May 7, 2009

My life is no longer mine.

So I feel like I need to update everyone that actually reads this blog. In this past week my world has completely been thrown upside down. I don't think I have ever felt this unsure and confused in my entire life.

I got an email from YWAM telling me that the DTS in July was all filled up. I immediately packed up my computer from Starbucks, walked to my car and cried. That was my goal. That's the whole reason I picked up and moved to Cincinnati in the first place. I felt like God was pulling me back in order to help me save up money and transition into a different stage of my life. Cincinnati was only supposed to be temporary. At first I felt like maybe I failed at listening to God and I should have just stayed in Nashville. Kept on goin with my happy comfortable life. But if you understand God and his character... that is NEVER his plan.

Immediately called my parents and talked to my mom on the phone. Right when I got off the phone with her my good friend Adam called not even knowing of the news I just received. He couldn't have decided to start his road trip at any better time because Cincy was the first stop. I got off the phone and then talked to my friend Christine on the phone and we decided before Adam got into town we would take a walk and just talk about life and such.

Before all that I still had to work and hang out with the boys for a while. I was a bad nanny that day hah. Was not there mentally/emotionally at all. Then I got to talk to my dad on the phone and he is good at sorting thoughts out and thinking through the emotions. Said this is the perfect time for a long walk or drive just to talk with God. I decided to take a walk around French park and just sit and pray. I honestly didn't get any sort of answer through that or major feeling of peace but I knew God heard me and I knew He saw my desperation.

Christine called not too long after that and we went on an even longer walk around Eden park. Found this broken down bridge that must have been by a dam of some sort. This I feel like was God's way of reminding me of how small I really am. How much I need Him and once again... my plans are not my own. Looking over Cincinnati made me think about how huge God really is and how He is fully in control.

Later on Adam drove into town and we stayed up till 4am talking about life, God, and so much more. Next day was jammed packed with Cincinnati things hah! The Coffee Shop on Madison, Chipotle, a little bit of work, frisbee/football, Eden park, cartwheels, sitting and dwelling on God's glory, Taza, Christine/Catherine/Briana and Adam making so many people mad at Highlands and barely getting sleep. Just all that in one day was so good for me.

The next day was getting up SUPER late, washing clothes at my parents house, Chic-fil-a, Long long stories, a little bit of work, starbucks, Navigators, starbucks again haha, dollar burger night, girl and boy bonding, back out to mason to babysit lucy at my parents house and not going to sleep till 4:30am again.

Through all of this God has really been showing me the beauty of Cincinnati and how much my close friends here are very important in my life. I have been hearing in different places how your mission field is wherever you are and I understood that but always thought in the back of my head that I'll do that when I get back from wherever. During Navigators on Weds night I kept feeling like I needed to get Briana, Christine and Catherine all together and talk about what God potentially could be doing. Briana and I have had many conversations about how we feel like God is wanting to use us to start something or get something going but we didn't know what. And all of us girls really balance each other out and and we all have such unique characteristics... I don't think its just coincidence that we all became really close friends since I've been back.

So, if all this means I have to get a normal job and stay here in Cincinnati in order to let God do His thing... I'm gonna have to suck it up. I really didn't want to stay here and I really didn't want a normal average joe job. I thought that after YWAM I would be able to stay in that and get a job through that and live happily ever after. But uh, turns out that wasn't God's plan?

Honestly, when people would tell me to "just pray about it"... I never had a sense of peace. I would just be like, "eh ok... soo uh... here it is." And I would never really feel like God was sincerely listening. But today has been the first day in a while when I thought about praying with the girls about what He could possibly want to use us for, I got a mild sense of peace. It wasn't a major world shaking feeling... but it was just enough to encourage me and make me want to step it up and make it happen.

God is good. I think I'm learning to wholeheartedly understand that. God has shaken my idea of what my life should look like and now I can only stop, wait, and listen.


Tim said...

wow... what a week

Katie Workman said...

you're tellin me.

Post a Comment