It's so strange coming back to town and visiting with friends who still view me as the person I was two years ago. Did these two years pass by so quickly that they forgot to grow up themselves? It's amazing what moving away and making friends by yourself will do to you. I had coffee with a new friend that I wish I had gotten to know years ago tonight. We talked about all the changes we've gone through, learning experiences and what we hope for in the future. He inspired me to continue on this adventure and I inspired him to not be discouraged and keep looking forward. You gotta love those conversations... where you have the ability to encourage and lift someone's spirit just by a simple conversation.
I'm so glad tonight happened because, like I said in the previous post, I miss my Nashville friends. You guys inspired me... Nashville is a town of hopeful dreams and talent. So my point is... you'll find inspiring people everywhere. Tonight reminded me of that.
I'm determined to find these people in Cincinnati and not get stuck with old friends that don't care/see how much I've changed. Why would I want to be friends with people who aren't trying to bring the best out of me? I'd rather be alone than be friends with girls that keep reminding me of how I used to be.
People need to learn how to let go and move on. I feel like I went back in time and a few people forgot to mature.
This is a really harsh post... I know. I just get a little fired up when the 10 year old I nanny acts more mature than a 20 year old young adult.
I knew Cincinnati was gonna bring something out of me. It's really just a desire to see change.
Life is way too funny. I am not at all where I thought I would be two years from now. Back in Cincy, being a nanny, and missing some people I never thought I'd think about again.
I miss so many friends and places, I didn't think it would be this hard to be away. I am not enjoying living by myself. I like coming home to someone to talk to. I wish I had someone to share the joy of my amazing home with.
If anyone wants to come visit, please do!! I would love to have you stay at my house!
I honestly think I miss all my girl friends the most. Guys are cool but there is nothing like good girl friends. Its something that I appreciate even more than ever before.
Today was my first day at "work" and it was pretty funny. It's definitely not a typical work day that I am used to... Definitely no Fire Finch hahaha. I get up whenever I want and make sure I'm at Ben's school by 3:15. Then just do some house work and other things. It's pretty simple.
I don't feel like writing anymore.
Mark is coming over and that will be refreshing... I always miss that kid. I want to go on an adventure and find somewhere awesome!!
I'm going to miss the echoing voices in that small building. I'm going to miss all the familiar faces that I have come to love. I'm going to miss my best friends who I get to experience spiritual maturity and changes with. I'm going to miss being around young folks all the time. I'm going to miss all my girl friends who I can't get enough of. I'm going to miss laying on the floor with my roommates talking. I'm going to miss running into at least 3 people at Fido everyday. I'm going to miss going to Qdoba with Lisa. I'm going to miss Gossip Girl with Britt and Lisa. I'm going to miss the small town feel of Nashville. I'm going to miss FiveGuys cheeseburgers. I'm going to miss all the good shows touring through Nashville. I'm going to miss people knowing me for me... not who I used to be. I'm going to miss the community house and all of its madness. I'm going to miss the East Nashville dance parties with Britt. I'm going to miss the girls from Fire Finch. I'm going to miss walking into Harris Teeter and knowing almost everyone that works there! I'm going to miss movies in the park and the nasty humid air.
I'm going to miss a lot of things.
But I have so much more to look forward to. God is going to restore so much in me, I can't turn down an opportunity like that. Plus I get to see my family so much more... If this YWAM thing really does happen, I want to be with my family as much as possible before flying across the world. I really am a home body but its funny because I love a good adventure. I can't turn something new and exciting down... so as painful as it is... I'll do it.
I'm pretty terrible with goodbyes and I'm pretty sure some people at The Anchor still don't know I'm leaving on Friday. I feel bad but I just didn't want to talk about it anymore and I hate how that was the only conversation topic. I just don't like when the conversation turns and is all about me and what I am doing and why I am doing it. I would much rather talk about anything else.
I wish I could have gotten to know some people a lot better. That's my fault for not doing anything about it. I hate how I just "never had the time" when really, I could have made the time. I feel like I was scared to really invest in some people cause I looked up to them so much. Maybe I didn't want to disappoint them. So it wasn't them, it was me and my insecurities.
I hate letting people down. It's an annoying trait of mine.
I took quite a few pictures tonight and I can't wait to post them. I have to get that stinkin cord that hooks up my camera to my computer though. Why did I have to lose that thing? It's pretty important. I've put it off though for so long... just don't really ever think about going to Radio Shack.
Anyways, God is gonna do some big things in my life and I can't wait to see how all that unfolds. I feel it in my bones... aka soul. You know that feeling. When change is about to happen and major life lessons will be given. I'm excited slash terrified. I have a feeling the passion of playing music is gonna seep back into my life but in a way I would have never thought it would. Of course that's the way it works though. I mean, look at the title of my blog. Derp.
I often say things but don't really listen to myself. Then I repeat it and think, wait a minute... haven't I heard that somewhere??
Well, my parents are in town and they are taking all the big stuff back to Cincy tomorrow. I'll be sleeping on an air mattress for the remaing 4 nights. All of my belongings will be accessable to small animals, small trolls and fairies. Basically all of my crap will be on the floor. Not too different from where it is now except it will be everything. I have a feeling I will have a minor break down tomorrow again. I'm getting sick of crying honestly. I haven't cried too much... only during the major obvious changes. 1. When I lived in an empty house cause my roommates moved out early. 2. I moved to brentwood and realized I wont live downtown anymore. 3. At church tonight cause it was my last sunday. So all of these were major moments... but this week is gonna exhaust me since everything is gonna be a major moment. I'm determind to not have anymore break downs... but I give you no guarentees. Bleh, I hate crying infront of people. It just gets so awkward.
Man, I can't wait for God to do some major changes in my life. I'm doin the steppin but he is totally taking control. I'm finally relieved that I am at least taking a step. For so long I was just standing there looking around... enjoying the view. Which, isn't a bad thing... but you can only do that for so long. It's time to continue on my journey because I am so young and still have so much more to learn and see. I can't just stop to smell one flower when I have a whole field to smell!! I found myself having the same worries as my 25-30 year old friends. I tend to forget that I am JUST now turning 21 and have so much to do.
What's crazy about my life right now is in the midst of the madness of change... I feel peace. This is the only confirmation I have, honestly. I had dinner with a friend last night and we talked about how most people think they have a certain image of what their "calling" is. When really, we don't know and all we can take control of are the steps.
My first step is to move to Cincinnati... honestly to get me off my butt and DO something. Anything. I get so complacent here in Nashville. I couldn't tell you if this was the right direction or step but when it comes to seeking the Lord... this is all I know to do. And I know that if I seek first the Kingdom of God, then all these things will be given. So really, how can anyone go wrong when all they are trying to do is follow the Lord.
In a way, this is more thrilling to me than anything else. I get a rush when I start to take steps and have no idea what can come from it. After moving to Cincinnati so many different doors are opening in my life... who knows what my passion will become.
For example, I'll be around kids way more. I'll be a nanny for 10 and 14 year old boys... I never thought I would be a nanny actually. I'm excited to see where this pulls on my heart. I know that I love kids but I never had a way to really explore that area in my life. I also may help co-lead worship every once in a while in the Vineyard youth group. That to me is absolutely terrifying but in a good way. I feel like that is Gods way of pushing me spiritually. I stopped wanting to play music for the longest time, only because it started to totally be about me. This is a good way to keep that gift I feel God gave me... but fully do it for him. Makes me excited actually :). This also could open up other doors because what if the England YWAM isn't really where God wants me... what if he wants me at a base that is more focused towards worship!? So many questions that I know He will answer, eventually. Id rather them not be answered right away because then it wouldn't be faith I'm leaning on and half the adventure wouldn't exist.
It's nice to know that options are starting to open up. For a while I felt useless, I thought that playing my music was my calling and it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Turns out... it's not. Hah. After realizing that... I had no idea what I was supposed to do or how to figure out other passions. Look how God can answer my prayers. Once you start moving... God does the rest. I'm starting to slowly take steps and God brings the options.
I'm trying to focus on the exciting things of Cincinnati right now. It's easy for me to get caught up in the nostalgic feelings of old times here in the ville. For instance, I wont be here for movies in the park, long walks down Belmont to Bongo, or dance parties in East Nashville. Pretty depressing to think about... so I have to focus on the good things about Cincinnati. Like, new places to explore, new friends to be made, and major God changes in my life.
Well, Britt and I are leaving Crema now. Good Day.
It's funny how people come and go so quickly. I love how I have been spending so much time with people that mean more to me than they will ever know. I don't know if Lisa and Britt will ever know how much they have done in the past years I've known them. Moving into a new house without Lisa was absolutely terrible. We've always been able to see each other at "home" and now we have to plan out our hang outs which is just weird. Not a bad thing, just makes the idea of the future change even more relevant. I don't think it really hit me that I was moving back to Cincinnati until I was driving out of Nashville to the Brentwood house and realized that this house was only temporary. I don't want to unpack anything because I'm only going to be there for 17 more days.
God totally knows what He's doing. I feel like moving to Brentwood prepared my heart for the idea of moving away and made it not feel so distant. I have to get used to driving everywhere anyway.
I was talking to Shelby today and we were talking about all the funny/interesting people here in Nashville. The people who try so hard to be different and how it makes Nashville a very funny place to live. I can't count how many fascinating people I have met here. I say fascinating because there were times where I didn't understand why some people would do the things they did. Or why some men wore deeper V-necks than I ever would.
(P.s. I just spaced out for a second and spelled "would" like "wood" hahaha! Oh, maybe I should go back to college...)
Honestly, as much as I make fun of Nashville "trendy-ness"... I sure am gonna miss it. At least there is color, imagination, and young folks exploring their dreams. I feel like there aren't too many dead souls here. But I know I can't stay here since my "dream" isn't in Nashville anymore. I need to be out in the world and I find myself getting stuck in this weird state of mind. I feel like Nashville does that to a lot of people though. It's really easy to settle here becuase there is no real reason to leave. It's a nice city, easy to meet people, good music, and a good amount of things to do. It really is a small town with a city feel to it. Unfortunately Fire Finch isn't my life dream and calling... or else I'd be set. I don't think I even want to be set at the ripe age of 20.
I need to find a place like Fido in Cincinnati cause I have a feeling that's going to be the only thing that keeps me sane.
Man, I'm really going to miss some people here. Luckily the weekend after I move is my birthday and Lisa and Britt are coming up to visit me for the weekend!! I can already tell they are going to be a breath of fresh air... that first week in Cincy is going to be rough. Even just the faces that I see on a regular basis working in the village are going to be missed. The fact that I can walk into Harris Teeter and know half the staff there is hilarious to me! This city is seriously so small.
Wow... 19 days before I leave and I finally found this: This is the love of my life in Cincinnati. I can't believe it was hiding in the Brentwood Target of all places?! This drink is absolutely incredible. But I ended up not buying it because I didn't want a 12 pack. That is Big Red overload. I only want one, sip on it, and thoroughly enjoy it.
Ok enough talk about that, I have to go meet Lisa at Fido. Living in Brentwood is weird because I have to plan out my plans and make it full out trip when I want to go downtown. I'll probably update this even more when I am there with her :) yay!