April 29, 2009


It's been exactly one week since I shipped out my application to Australia.

I hate waiting.

My friend Adam said some very encouraging things yesterday on the phone. He reminded me that these are the passions that God has placed in my heart. So even if I try to push things back or manipulate the situation, these passions will always be there and I will eventually do it. It's just best to do it now when I have absolutely no ties in my life.

Funny how God is definitely keeping me free of that, even though I want to fight Him constantly.

I should be encouraged by this rough period. It should remind me that I'm doing the right thing and once again, I can't screw this up! God is breaking me (not by my will) from anything that could potentially be a distraction.

Blahhh I don't want to wait anymore to hear back from YWAM haha. I just want to know so I can continue to move forward. Start figuring what else I could do with my time. Oh man, do I LOVE being in control.

Stupid stupid stupid.

April 27, 2009

There's more...

What happened to romance now a days? I mean really?! What happened to women being so level headed that the men HAD to fight for them. I feel like now a days men can so easily just find something easier. If one girl seems like she might be a little harder to capture I feel like men just give up so easily and try to find a different one that will be easy. What happened to being pursued and letting love make you do crazy things?

I'm don't want a man who isn't willing to wait or fight for me. What about the old fashion way? Men going off to war and women waiting for what must have felt like forever for their men. I mean, I don't know what all I'm doing but I know that if someone isn't willing to jump in with me... he just isn't worth it.

I hate being in my twenties sometimes. People are scared of taking chances and getting hurt. Whats the point of living then?! I'm sick of living on the safe side.

I guess I can't change people's minds though.
Only God knows what's best for me.

Obviously the things I want aren't haha.

Not a picture, finally.

This weekend was ridiculous. I kind of needed it honestly, I've been needing to keep myself busy. Friday I actually went to bed at a decent hour but only because I knew Saturday was going to be a long day. First, I drove to my parents house to meet up with Rachel and the other bridesmaids. A limo picked us up fully loaded with champagne and a cute driver ;). We went to a cute little tea place and had tea and lots of sugary treats. I started to feel nauseous from all the sugar and champagne is not a good breakfast drink haha.

I realized how happy I am I'm not super wealthy because honestly, I can't handle it. I'm extremely clumsy and awkward when it comes to being around super nice things. The tea party was very "cute" but I would never want something like that for my showers. I even fell out of the limo...

After that we went to Dana's house in Indian Hill and she did such an amazing job decorating. She obviously is good with small details. We played a few lingerie party games and drank even more champagne. By the end of all that, I was exhausted. I can only handle being around a lot of people in a small space for so long. I love being around people, don't get me wrong. I just can't handle it when everyone is trying to be polite and proper. My face starts to hurt from smiling and I am definitely no good with small talk.

I was happy when the limo picked us up and took us back to my parents house. That was my chance to re-energize my social skills. We then took Rachel out to eat and then to mt. adams. That's where we finally had some real fun. I felt like I could relax for the first time haha. That went till really late and we finally drove back home. By the time we got home I felt like my eyes had shards of glass in them they itched so bad. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep there because my parents had all the windows open instead turning the air conditioning on. So I drove home.

Sunday was filled with church, Jen's bridal shower, and back home to say goodbye to Rachel and the other girls. I went home after all that for a minute then Briana had asked me to go to her small group, so I went to that and met some fun people. Finally went back home and relaxed.

It's been a really long weekend.

I don't know why I blogged about it. Just felt like it I guess.

I wonder if my application has reached Australia yet? Probably not. I realized that I MUST do this YWAM thing. I have zero things holding me back. Not that I was going to let anything hold me back... There were a few things I probably would have missed but now really the only things I will miss are my few amazing girl friends and my family. But those things will never change and will always be here for me whenever I get back.

Last night the Notebook was on tv. Bad idea. I watched it and cried my eyes out, just like everytime I watch it. At first I started thinking, ah man, I really want to find someone who I can love in that way and he will love me just the same back. But then I started praying and I realized I still don't understand that God loves me just like that. I act like the old lady who doesn't recognize the man she fell madly in love with. I don't recognize God's character and love for me. Then after He has read to me all day and is desperately pursueing my heart, for a moment it clicks and I see my love and my maker. Those are the moments I see for a minute then just as quickly I forget who He is. I want to fully know in my heart that kind of love He has for me. Because I honestly don't think after 21 years I get it.

I need to get out of Cincy again.

April 25, 2009

Sisters :)

We arent up to something...

Second part!

The begining to my saturday haha!

April 22, 2009

Australian money is way prettier!



April 20, 2009


Tomorrow I finally finish the application!! I'm going to the doctor and that's the last sheet that needs to be filled out. The only things left to do is print out my answers to the questions and get picture copies of my passport. Lastly, find somewhere that will exchange my american dollar for the australian dollar :). Soooooo close!!

I can't believe I put it off for this long but at least it's getting done. I'm going to ship it off Weds and thats final. I finally realized that I shouldn't keep putting this off and doubt was taking over my emotions. So I'm pushing through all of that and turning this sucker in.

I had an amazing conversation with Christine tonight. It made me wonder if I'm being to "nice" when it comes to Christianity. I mean, Jesus was always pushing the limits and making people question why they think what they think. Am I not being loud enough? I hold back saying so many things because I'm afraid I don't want to offend someone. But really, what's so offensive about saying they have a purpose and there is a reason why they are alive? I don't speak up enough. Funny, cause I need to realize people will obviously think I'm crazy. That's unavoidable.

I know someone that is a mutual friend to a lot of people I know here in Cincinnati and a lot of them aren't christians. One guy just said the other night, "I bet he's gonna come back all crazy..." and I didn't say a word. Why couldn't I just have said, actually- he's gaining a purpose and his eyes are being opened to how much people need love. He is actually learning to love in an even deeper way! The way Jesus did... the way so many people don't know how to. BUT of course I said nothing besides in a small barely heard voice, "no, i don't think he'll be weird."

I'm a coward and I want to learn how to not be.

I know about a love that is so deep, so pure and right. I want to tell everyone that yeah, life is rough but I know about something that is solid and can make it all worth living. I may not have all the answers but I do know what can give me peace in every situation I am in. It's way more personal than just a religion, it's more than a way of living... It's so much bigger than me and to know that I am loved no matter how bad I screw it up... that's an incredible feeling. It makes every insecurity seem so minuscule. Even though people think they know whats best for them... it's only a portion of what God really wants to give. Our happiness isn't even half of the joy God wants to give us.

I've been so distant from God recently and I don't read my bible HALF as much as I should. But I know the truth and I know that Jesus is everything I could possibly need in my life right now. Everything else is just okay. Everything else is so fickle and I don't know if it will last. My job, my living situation, an "interest", money... the list goes on! Any of those could change in a matter of days but Jesus is always changing things on me only to show me His character more and make me understand how much I need Him.

I need to focus more on the only solid thing in my life, Jesus.
Everything else will fall into place.

April 18, 2009


Tonight I read though old posts and got teary eyed. I really miss Nashville. I mean I love what's going on in Cincy right now but things are just completely different. Different is good, but I miss having that small community.

A lot of really good things are happening right now and I should rejoice in that. At the same time I am receiving a lot of confusion. I'm started to doubt things and second guess decisions I made.

I really wish I could go sit on someone's porch and talk about it.

There are so many things I miss right now... just tryin to look forward. Looking forward is becoming harder and harder.

April 17, 2009

I like the way eight o'clock looks now...

April 8, 2009

This is the only place i can put my computer for consistent internet. Haha desperate much? Maybe.

Old lyrics.

I was reading old lyrics of mine and I particularly liked this song:

you’re a mystery to me
always keep me in a dream
and you can watch me fall asleep
thinking of the sea

you seek in dark waters
with answers unknown
with stories told
be careful in this dark dark world
you’re made of sailor thread
woven to the core
turn your back to the shore
because you’re thirsty for more

break away from everything
I wish you would come back to me
but there’s something that’s exciting
when you’re thinking of the sea

you seek in dark waters
with answers unknown
with stories told
be careful in this dark dark world
you’re made of sailor thread
woven to the core
turn your back to the shore
because you’re thirsty for more

do you think of me when you’re gone
do you think of me at all
can going away bring you home

It's kind of a sad song. Too bad I can't play the guitar. I want to re-write this and make it sound way better than I did originally but I get stuck on the guitar. Someone teach me something cool so I can put that to this song.

April 6, 2009

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've actually written something. I started writing in my tangible journal lately because I've been wanting to be brutally honest. Sorry folks, just can't do that on here :). I've really been struggling with issues I knew Satan would attack me with. I even told people in Nashville I knew that these things would be brought up but it was so easy to say how the Lord will provide strength blah blah blah.

Satan knew how I hate being lonely and how I love being around people. At least in Nashville I had Fido if I didn't have anything to do. I always had somewhere to go if I wanted to. Looking back I realized I took complete advantage of those places. Cause now, I lack in places to go. My work is even at my house... I never leave "the house" you could say. I will drive to the furthest Starbucks just to waste time. I do ridiculous things when I get lonely.

In a way, this makes me pray more just so I can talk to someone. Because I live by myself, I can't rely on a roommate to talk to about my day. The past couple of days have been really weird for me in my heart because I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with just being by myself. I'm even trying to wake up early just so I wont be awake late at night. I'm sick of staying up really late and not being able to fall asleep. The nighttime and I are not friends... he always messes with my mind.

It's already april.

I only need to get two more references for my YWAM application and then go get checked out by my doctor. Then I can send it in and get this party started. I am surprised at how much money I have saved up and haven't even asked for support yet. God has really blessed me with this job and being able to save up. Plus my tax return is gonna be awesome! That is all going to my little YWAM piggy bank :).

Adam gave me a great verse to help me out. Philippians 4:4-8. I really need to learn how to recieve these words and make it relevant and true in my heart. Cause I'm really good at just reading things and then letting them stay on the page.

I still really need good girl friends in my life here in Cincy. I love the girls I know here but its hard being the only single one. I feel like almost everyone I know here is in a relationship or is about to move. I moved back at a very strange time. I hope I figure out what God is really trying to teach me in all of this soon.

Hahaha right now I'm sitting in the family's house and the lady that comes to clean is vaccuming and Cocoa the dog is trying to chase the hose that she is trying to vaccum with. I'm sure that makes it difficult for her haha. Oh, that was cute.

Alright, i'm starting to ramble.

April 4, 2009

Babysitting lucy for the weekend!

April 2, 2009

My sweet new boots! Only 26 dollars!