April 6, 2009

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've actually written something. I started writing in my tangible journal lately because I've been wanting to be brutally honest. Sorry folks, just can't do that on here :). I've really been struggling with issues I knew Satan would attack me with. I even told people in Nashville I knew that these things would be brought up but it was so easy to say how the Lord will provide strength blah blah blah.

Satan knew how I hate being lonely and how I love being around people. At least in Nashville I had Fido if I didn't have anything to do. I always had somewhere to go if I wanted to. Looking back I realized I took complete advantage of those places. Cause now, I lack in places to go. My work is even at my house... I never leave "the house" you could say. I will drive to the furthest Starbucks just to waste time. I do ridiculous things when I get lonely.

In a way, this makes me pray more just so I can talk to someone. Because I live by myself, I can't rely on a roommate to talk to about my day. The past couple of days have been really weird for me in my heart because I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with just being by myself. I'm even trying to wake up early just so I wont be awake late at night. I'm sick of staying up really late and not being able to fall asleep. The nighttime and I are not friends... he always messes with my mind.

It's already april.
Crap.

I only need to get two more references for my YWAM application and then go get checked out by my doctor. Then I can send it in and get this party started. I am surprised at how much money I have saved up and haven't even asked for support yet. God has really blessed me with this job and being able to save up. Plus my tax return is gonna be awesome! That is all going to my little YWAM piggy bank :).

Adam gave me a great verse to help me out. Philippians 4:4-8. I really need to learn how to recieve these words and make it relevant and true in my heart. Cause I'm really good at just reading things and then letting them stay on the page.

I still really need good girl friends in my life here in Cincy. I love the girls I know here but its hard being the only single one. I feel like almost everyone I know here is in a relationship or is about to move. I moved back at a very strange time. I hope I figure out what God is really trying to teach me in all of this soon.

Hahaha right now I'm sitting in the family's house and the lady that comes to clean is vaccuming and Cocoa the dog is trying to chase the hose that she is trying to vaccum with. I'm sure that makes it difficult for her haha. Oh, that was cute.

Alright, i'm starting to ramble.

3 comments:

Tim said...

Isn't that strange how you have that inkling that a time of testing is coming? I had that big time before I moved to Nashville.

Ashley Cauthen said...

I am someone who can not be alone. Ever. It kills me. I just love being around people and having conversation and talking and having fun. It's the outgoing spirit in the both of us that makes us desire the company of others.
You were talking about being alone and you said "In a way, this makes me pray more just so I can talk to someone."
I almost started to cry when I read this because it hit me so hard. I tell everything to everyone except God. I feel like I have to tell all my friends my whole day and then when something bad happens I say "God, please take this pain away and calm my heart. Fill me with You..." and so on. But I never am just like "Hey God! Guess what today I went..." and tell Him about my day. That's what He wants us to do! He wants to be our friend and all that we need. It's so easy to rely on others or be independent like I know you and I both are, but that's not at all what God calls us to do. He wants us to not be able to live or breathe without Him. You are in the most perfect place right now. I envy you because you are being FORCED to make God your best friend. And what a better friend to have! He will never let you down or break your heart or make you cry. It's a perfect relationship, but for some reason we can't ever see that.

Sorry I just went off there, that was for me just as much as it was for you. I hope you're well and I hope you get a good girlfriend to spend some quality time with, but never forget that God is ALWAYS there :)

britta said...

I'll be in your shoes in a month and a half.

excited and nervous and scared.

but i think you will look back on this time and see a lot of growth.

my katiekins.

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