Honesty 2:44 PM

Fears:

1. I don't know what is next
2. I don't have a degree to get a job that has benefits so I can live
3. I am absolutely terrified about this worship internship

Hopes:

1. I hope that God keeps me in this place of dependency
2. I hope I never begin to believe I can "handle" my life
3. I want to constantly put myself in places that push me

What I hope for is what I also resist constantly. The funny thing is... I feel like God is telling me to stay here in Cincinnati and for most people, staying somewhere is the easy part. The hardest thing for me to do is to be okay having plans to go nowhere. I need to learn how to be okay with where I am at. That's so hard to do though when where you are at seems so insignificant. I have to constantly remind myself that that isn't what life is about. It's not about me. I know, surprise surprise! I'm pretty terrible at letting go of my own wants and needs. This was all apparent to me while over seas but it's been hitting me in the face quite a few times since I've been back. I want to learn to serve people better and not have to think twice about it.

even this blog is so self consumed.

I hope that when people read this blog, they realize how much I do NOT have it all together. I'm pretty good at this point coming up with answers for questions that I get asked all the time. So since I've been back I've been really trying my hardest to answer the question in a way that I remember the trip on that particular day. That way the answer is never the same and each person gets a different learning experience and its genuine because that is the wisdom I am most likely trying to apply at the time.

Sometimes I over think when I talk to people which then makes the conversation awkward because I am so consumed with trying to think of what to say rather than just listening. I really do have good intentions though... I want people to know that I really am interested in them.

Ah, I need a job.

Lord, save me.

Goodbye Nashville 12:28 PM

One thing was made extremely clear (once again) to me about Nashville.

It is not my home.

It's a great city for sure with lots of cool places and fun people. But this past weekend made it completely clear that Cincinnati is where my heart truly is at. The friends I have showed me what genuine love and friendship looks like. I'm also learning that there are some people that I will never really keep in touch with ever again. Most of those people live in Nashville and that's ok! There is nothing wrong with finally accepting that I will never call this or that person ever again. But there are a few people that have really put effort into staying in touch even when I was on the other side of the world. Those are quality people that I hold close to my heart and will forever be in my life.

I quickly remembered why I stayed in Nashville for so long. It's really easy to get stuck there... People like to stay young, that's what America is all about right? Well, Nashville is a town full of young and rising talents who are eager to work their way to the top. I feel like sometimes people forget though that there is life outside of that town and their circles. I almost want to just kidnap some of the people and put them on a plane to some third world country and tell them to not come back till the understand that life isn't about them.

I'm slightly ranting...

I know people are doing cool things all around that town. Lisa proves that to me over and over again and that's why it's great to have a friend like her :).

Plus, can I just throw this out there... You don't have to be homeless to help the homeless.
Ok, I'm done.

I do love Nashville and will always be close to my heart. I don't know the next time I will see it because it's time to REALLY make Cincinnati my home. No more picking up and leaving for me. That's almost scarier that traveling across the entire world...

Man, I can't believe I've been home for a week now. I seriously miss Australia... but being home is stretching me in so many different ways. It's hard for me to step back and see how many opportunities I have been given to use what I learned and continue to grow. It's a hard type of growing pain but I can already see that I'll come out stronger afterward.

I can feel the change that happened in my heart. Makes me feel uncomfortable in certain places that used to be so normal. I don't know how I feel about that... I obviously like that God has changed my heart but I'm going to have to make some adjustments to how I used to live. That's exactly what I asked for though, so now begins the journey of dying to myself daily.

I really don't have much to say on this post.

This is how I feel. 10:43 PM

I'm back in Cincinnati now and I can't even begin to describe what my life has been like the past 5 months. I feel like this video sums it up. We were told the first week, right before outreach, and the last week to write letters. The last week we wrote letters we basically wrote out every promise God had fulfilled in our lives during this time. So, I'm going to share my letter with you because it basically sums up the whole trip:

To my Father whom I love,

I fly home in 4 days and I can't believe this is over. Reading over those past letters, I'm blown away by the changes you made in my heart. Outreach was definitely a hard time to stay focused. I realized that I'm really going to need to push myself even harder when I get home to continue this relationship with you. I can become so easily distracted. You are so incredibly faithful and I never did anything to deserve it.

Thank you for the convictions and challenges during this whole DTS. I see how you put random people in my life to teach me random lessons. You continuously taught me how to love people that weren't anything like me. You used prostitutes in Thailand to show me that I'm no better than them in your eyes and yet you love us just the same. It was no longer "them" and "me," it became "us" and we are all family.

Through books you taught me to see Jesus through new eyes. I'm now even more confused but you ignited a curiosity in my heart to seek after the truth even more. To no longer go off of what people have told me and to see for myself. You showed me what authority in Christ looks like. What walking through the streets filled with prostitutes, praying that you bring justice and hope to every single person that walks on it. I realized the importance/real-ness of spiritual warfare. That putting on the armor of God isn't just a kids demonstration and there really is a war going on.

You continued to put music back into my life. Dropped a few ideas of what could possibly be next. You also showed me how to love/see the kids of Indonesia like you do. You showed me some of the most beautiful places in the world and some of the most beautiful people. You took me on the biggest adventure of my life and showed me what an adventure life is. You made me appreciate home even more and my family and how important they are. You also showed me that you are also the only one who sustains and provides. Family can only do so much but you are the ultimate provider and healer. You can not only heal the outer wounds, you can heal the wound to the heart.

I have learned how to constantly die to myself and I still struggle with that. I don't think that will ever end on this earth. I'm still trying to grasp the supernatural side to you and waiting on the revelations I know you'll give me in time. I know one day I will understand the Holy Spirit more. Right now I just need to work on living like Jesus and learning to love like he did. If love conquers fear, then when I learn to love I will no longer fear man and will be more open to receiving the Holy Spirit in my life. I already have the Holy Spirit in me, but I want more.

I wont ever be able to be perfect but you are and my life depends on you. Thank you for giving me life so I can try to be more like Jesus everyday and have a second chance. Thank you for these past five months and the opportunity to continue to grow closer to you. You are my lover, Father and provider forever.

Amen.

Guess who is back!!

Quick Update from Thailand 11:40 PM

Talk about an experience.

Thailand has been absolutely beautiful. What a blessing to be here and see everything that we have seen. But really, that isn't at all what is important anymore. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world...

We are working with this ministry down here to basically give girls that work at the bars (prostitutes) a way out and tell them there are other jobs they can have. They work at these bars every night and don't get paid a cent unless a man walks by that they can get to buy them out of the bar for the night and sleep with them. There are thousands and thousands of girls on just a few streets down here and we just so happened to come the week the Navy sailed in. So that means 9000 navy guys roaming the streets, looking to have "fun." The girls at each bar just look so hopeless and lonely. It's seriously so sad to see and words can't describe when you are walking down a street and each girl is grabbing at your arm trying to get you to come into her bar and buy a drink. Most of these girls are mid 20's to 30's and it's just disgusting when you see two of them holding the hands of an old man who could be my grandpa's age and he is taking them back to his place. It's just sickening.

Every girl we talk to we ask her if she likes doing this and she some of them say they love their job and some of them are honest and say they don't like it. But this job pays way more than others and they have to send money back to their families (who by the way don't know they are doing this) and be the provider. I asked one of them why she doesn't have a boyfriend and she told me she wasn't pretty enough for one. They have been told lies all their lives and Satan has such a hold on their minds.

Believing in God is most definitely NOT just a religion. It's NOT something to fall back on when times are tough. Those who use it for just those reasons do not know who God is. It is a battle that needs to be fought. I am so incredibly weak... I can't speak their language, we are typically tired cause we go out at night, my allergies are bad and I don't feel like I have as much wisdom as I should to do this kind of ministry. But thank GOD He is so much bigger than me and my weakness. I have realized that all I need is a willing heart, which is hard for me to grasp because I love being prepared. I like knowing what I am doing and I don't want to embarrass myself... but when God just says to me, Katie just be willing and go out- don't worry about the rest. It's hard to hear that.

This week has definitely opened my eyes to a whole new spiritual side to life. Growing up in America where we don't really look at the spirit side of things very often. We like to be real and "normal"... don't do anything that could freak people out because that isn't normal. But you go anywhere else in the world and there is a spirit in every single thing possible. Every time we drive up to the top of this mountain to get to where the city is everyone honks their horn. They are honking to the spirit of the mountain... weird right? Nope. That is what they know... and who are we to say that we are "normal" here in America? We need to recognize there is a spiritual world out there. Now, don't get me wrong... there definitely isn't a "mountain spirit" but there is a God who is real. There are demons and Satan is using them as much as he possibly can. There is darkness and we are called as Christ followers to go into those places and bring hope and light. It may seem impossible but when you have the creator on your side... there is no competition.

I know this blog has a lot in it. Probably a bad idea to write about this on here but maybe someone needed to hear it. It's the truth and that's all I ever want to talk about now. America has sugar coated religion and now people have no idea what it really means to be a Christian. We never GAVE ourselves that name, Christian. We were called Christians... we were called that because of the way we acted. Being a Christian isn't easy and it definitely doesn't make all the bad things in life go away. If anything it makes life harder because then you realize you have a duty to tell other people that there is a God that wants to give us REAL life that is full of excitement and hope.

Alright, I could talk about this for days.

Basically, I'm learning a lot... and it's hard.

Please pray for my team and that we continue to walk in unity. Satan is trying reallll hard to keep us out of those streets and we wont back down.

I love you all.

Short but Sweet 5:46 AM

>> I leave for Thailand on Sunday at 5:15am for 2 weeks

>> I will live on a boat for about 2 weeks going from island to island in Indonesia

>> Then end up in Nias Indonesia to stay for the last 4 weeks

>> It was the last week of lectures... we cleaned the houses today and packed up

>> I'm extremely excited to go on this adventure and see how God changes me

>> I'm not so excited about the "squatty potties"

>> Definitely am excited to go back home to Cincy and begin the next adventure

>> I love the team I am going with on outreach, we know how to have fun

>> I made the BEST playlist ever this week... 43 songs that are worth every minute

>> Wont have a computer, phone, or the internet for 2 months... and I kind of like
that idea.

I pretty much love my life right now.

2009 has been the best year yet.

Being 21 is such a blast.

>> I love being young <<