If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans...

2010-04-19T16:48:00.001-05:00

This is cute and catchy.

2010-04-08T00:10:00.003-05:00

For those who don't know what's going on in my life, here is a quick update:

1) Young adults ministry going through some major changes

We are in desperate need of young adults who have a passion for this ministry. Who want to exercise their talents and gifts while building community with others.
I recently just became the worship coordinator for the group which means I would love to meet you if you know how to lead because we need more worship leaders.
I love how God has put this passion in my heart. I didn't know this was what I really had a heart for... I would love to see the young adults in this city be able to come together and learn to live life and love God fully.

2) Taking on more responsibilities when it comes to the leading the high school worship

Dustin is teaching me all about stage set up and sound.
Soon he is going to teach me about how to play around with loops
My guitar playing is being stretched and my finger tips hate me
Learning how to really lead a band and know how to instruct each instrument has been quite the challenge.
How to really worship while being on stage and having multiple distractions
Wanting to see more of a "family" aspect with the band members... I seriously love them.
Showing the students how powerful prayer is and why it's important to pray for others.
Opening up to the girls and letting them get to know me and all my weirdness.

3) Leadership Training Course for the next 9 months

A lot of great books to read
How to be a great leader and train others to be leaders.

4) Trying to find a job to work around all those things, because in my head they are top priority.

5) I was hesitant to put this up here but eh, why not... James.

It's not hard to find time to hang out with him since he works at the Vineyard
Over the past 4 months he has become my best friend
He somehow can listen to my crazy rants and help sort out my scattered thoughts
He has a passion for the young adults community as well. So we push each other in that area.
His smile aint to shabby either.
He is showing me a lot more than what a good boyfriend looks like... with the help of God of course.
He makes me laugh the hardest and doesn't get offended easily... thank God.
And he wont let me freak out and run away... which happened a lot before.

So pretty much these are the vague things I spoke of earlier. For a while I was having a hard time seeing what God was doing in my life. That caused me to doubt to the point where I just didn't know what to really think anymore. But what would faith be if it was easy? God is continuously showing me what it looks like to live for him day to day. Instead of some big grand adventure that people love hearing about, it's the small things I am listening for. Writing all this out helps me see how much God is pushing me and slowly shifting my life in a new direction. God has put all of this together... I can't take any credit. I never thought I would be doing any of this... on top of that, I never thought I would be with a guy like James haha. Just shows God's sense of humor.

To most people on paper, I look like I don't have anything going for me. I have no college degree or job right now. But I know that God has something up His sleeve and I am not worried about what my future looks like. As long as I am chasing after Him and open to the opportunity to be a servant to the advancement of the Kingdom... I'll be alright.

2010-04-06T12:37:00.002-05:00

So, I forgot all about this little blog entry I wrote while I was in the Sydney airport. Since I couldn't get on the internet there I figured I would post it later on. I never posted it. I think it's hilarious now but at the time I was so pissed and annoyed. Funny how God works. Still amazes me.

July 5, 2009

I'm writing this in the Sydney airport because, of course, I missed my plane. I would be in the sunshine coast right now if I hadn't... but what can you do? I had done a good job keeping my composure all the way up until this point. I was seriously so proud of myself for not shedding one tear. There were many times when I wanted to when I started thinking about everyone and how much I'm going to miss them. My plane was on time but it took forever to go through customs and then I got lost and had to ask a million people where I needed to go after I got my luggage. I ended up having to pay 5 dollars to take a stupid train to one stop down and get off and have another guy tell me where to go. Unfortunately it was too late by the time I got to the check in for my luggage all over again... they had just closed the gate and were NOT going to open it for me. So lucky me had to pay a terrible 70 dollar late fee. I almost cried at the counter I was so frustrated/scared/nervous. They were incredibly snobby girls at the counter too... that really didn't help. So now, the closest flight I could get on wasn't until 1:50... so here I am.... waiting.

I can't describe this feeling I have. My first flight from Cincy to LA was pretty easy. Went by super fast and we got there early as well which was nice. As we were flying into LA we flew into the sunset and all the streams of colors were all around. It was seriously remarkable. I felt so independent and so free. But at the same time I felt so alone in that airplane by myself. By the time we got to LA it was dark out and as we were flying closer into the city I could see tons and tons of fireworks going off. I can't describe any emotions that were going through my heart. It was incredibly beautiful and everything was so dark except for the city lights and the fireworks. It almost looked like a war zone honestly... because hundreds of houses were lighting their own fireworks.

I somehow found my way through the LA airport and got to the terminal all in one piece. Anyone who tried to tell me I would totally be fine and there would be no problem.... you were wrong. I officially HATE airports. Nothing makes sense when you get off of them. It's not so hard getting onto the plane... it's getting off that's the problem. BUT I did make it onto the plane and ended up sitting with two guys who were pretty chill. One man was older and was a teacher who lives right outside of Nashville which was pretty funny to me. And the other guy was more closer to my age and he was an architect from Indianapolis. They were both super sweet and helped me out so much. I passed out for a good chunk of the plane ride haha. They would take my food for me and pull down my little tray and set it on there for me so I wouldn't miss a meal. We would talk occasionally about what movie to watch and just casual conversation but I never felt awkward or obligated to talk to them. That made the plane ride actually feel like it flew by (haha). The only thing I woke up for was food time.

And well... I told you earlier what happened when I got off the plane. I then had to find a pay phone to somehow get ahold of the ywam base to tell them I missed my flight and when I would be there. The pay phone was extremely confusing so I had to ask the girl at the desk if she knew how to work it and she was trying to help me and we couldn't understand it. I ended up starting to cry at the desk cause by this time I have been flying for 19 hours, on and off sleep, missing everyone, frustrated I missed my flight, and didn't know how the heck I could get ahold of anyone. Her and the other girl at the desk were so sweet and were like, "Ahh no! Don't cry! You'll make the both of us cry!" hahaha they were so sweet. The three of us finally figured it out and I got ahold of the girl that was going to pick me up and she sounded so sweet on the phone. That was encouraging and she told me to not worry and she'll be there waiting.

Well, this is kind of embarrassing but I figure I might as well be open about everything because this is definitely an adventure. I ended up going into the bathroom into the last stall and just cry. I needed to let some of this out or else I was going to just bust. Plus I knew I had about 5 hours to kill... so I was in no rush at this point. Eventually I gave myself a pep talk because for pete's sake... I'm 21 and I should be able to handle this. I told myself I needed to suck it up and deal with the situation. So you know what I did? I got a Diet Coke from McDonalds and walked around haha. I hate how airports never have free wifi anymore! I was almost debating on paying for it because I'm going to be here for a while but... oh well.

I can't believe I totally skipped a day. Fast forward through time on the plane. It's sunday here but technically it's really saturday in my head. Man oh man... this is quite the adventure. How to I get myself in these situations? Why do I pick the most extreme route to do things? Eh, at least I'll have even more stories to tell. I want to call so many people right now but I can't because that would cost me a TON of money. And I've already spent a chunk just to freaking get around this stupid airport. I obviously am not a fan of airports...

I just want to get to the ywam base and not think about anything else anymore. I just want to get to the final destination... getting there is always the hardest part. You could write a whole sermon series on that. I'm sure someone has used the analogy of an airport. If not... they should... cause it's hell on earth and God is the smiling friend that's holding the sign that says your name patiently waiting for you to come home.

I can't believe I'm in Australia. I can't believe I'm going to "school" tomorrow morning. Waking up at 6am for breakfast with a ton of strangers. On top of all of this...I've never lived on the beach before! I've always been surrounded by concrete and city and at one point a good lake.

Life is funny. I would have never thought I'd be doing this when I was in high school. I don't even know what to expect from all of this... haha. The only thing I know for sure is God has got something up His sleeve.

Only 1 hour and 50 mins to go... sigh. I feel so gross... I need a shower big time and why does my tetris arm still hurt?!!

Ok... I'm getting some food.

2010-03-21T22:51:00.002-05:00

Hello there.

It has been a while since I have actually written something on here. I actually sort of miss blogging about random things. Although, I am a big picture fan... much more interesting to look back on. And honestly, I write the good stuff in my actual journal. That's the stuff that few know and somehow are still my friends. Speaking of, can I brag for a minute? God seriously places the most amazing people in my life. Probably because He knows I need all the help I can get. In these recent months, I have been meeting new people constantly. All of us have a similar vision for the young "20 somethings" here in Cincinnati. It's pretty cool to watch a small group of people get fired up while discussing their ideas about how we can get people our age connected to each other and try to figure out this whole "God thing."

That has pretty much been a big chunk of my life right now. Also, this weekend was my first weekend in a while off from playing worship music at the church. I love playing worship music but man, it is exhausting. I love being around people but by the last service on Sunday I am ready to go home and sit in silence. That usually means I take a nap... I LOVE me some Sunday afternoon snooze time.

The spring time is making me miss the little things about Nashville. I loved living in Nashville during this time because the streets became flooded with young people. Plus, you have the cute neighborhood areas to take walks in and coffee shops to visit. I miss the community feel of it. That's the drag about Cincinnati, I have to drive everywhere. And not just a 5 minute drive down the road... if I want to get to my favorite coffee shops I have to drive at least 3o minutes. Womp womp. That's ok though... I don't mind driving.

I'm excited to see what this summer has in store. I've met some incredible people who I can't wait to see how God uses us and our gifts. There is a really random but great something that started this spring and I'm curious to see where that goes. And who knows what adventures we will all get ourselves into.

Anyways, this blog can only handle so much vague(ness?). Bye.

2010-03-18T22:18:00.001-05:00

Im thankful I am able to do what i love with awesome people around me.

2010-03-06T12:26:00.003-06:00

Hello Sunshine

You were missed.

love.

2010-03-04T00:19:00.002-06:00

this just made my night <3

miss you girls!

Birthday.

2010-03-01T00:13:00.003-06:00

I am officially 22.

I would say this was a successful birthday weekend. For the first time in many years, I officially pulled off a birthday party that wasn't awkward. The festivities started on Friday and didn't end till Monday night.

Friday was just ridiculous. My sister AND Lisa (plus Josh) got to come up from Tennessee to celebrate! I love and miss the both of them so much, I always love excuses to see them. Everyone first meets at my house and then we head over to combine parties with James at the Brazenhead Irish Pub in sweet little Mason Ohio! It was his birthday as well (ok, his REAL birthday) and we wanted to celebrate at least the first half of it together! He somehow scored us their "banquet" room and when the music started, it got rowdy. Somehow both groups seemed to get along without too much awkwardness and when the dancing started, it didn't matter anymore. I love how much friends can bring the party anywhere... doesn't matter what the atmosphere is because we will take over. At one point we had our friend Danny and the bar stool he was sitting on up in the air! I was a little worried about his safety and whether or not we would get kicked out hah. Overall that was a success. Then we all headed back to my house and devoured all the queso, chips, hummus, salsa and popcorn we could get our hands on. All the while shooting nerf guns at random targets. All of this followed up by making the most amazing fort my living room has ever seen!

We are kind of a big deal.

We all passed out and the next morning made breakfast and hung out until people headed home.

Saturday was filled with worship practice, church and then James came over and I made dinner for/with him. That was tasty even though we didn't finish eating until 11:30pm, oops!

Sunday was wonderful because my parents finally returned home.

Monday, Rachel headed back home which was sad. But then we went over to Michael Pickett's house to eat the AMAZING dinner he cooked for all of us. This man is one of Cincinnati's best. He has cooked for people such as Frank Sinatra and multiple presidents and he wanted to cook for me and my friends for my birthday :). He served us this wine that was just so smooth and cooked us roast that melted in your mouth. Then, for dessert he made me a Raspberry Infused Flaming Baked Alaska cake.

Yeah, it tasted just as good as it looks.

Basically this was the best birthday EVER! What he did was light the top on fire by drizzling a liquor or rum on top and then throwing sugar on top of that. Oh boy, it was heaven.

I really don't have anything to complain about. I'm so privilege to have the friend and family I do... Jesus has seriously blessed me. All I can do is continuously thank Him for each day I am given.

2010-02-28T16:30:00.001-06:00

The best part about Sundays.

2010-02-17T18:28:00.000-06:00

I love her.

2010-02-16T00:46:00.003-06:00

Turns out, valentines day isn't so bad after all.

This weekend ended up being pretty great. I am so thankful for the new friends in my life and how I get to introduce them to friends who have been in my life for a long time! I also love seeing a passion in people for change and are willing to step up and do something about it. It inspires me to step up even more and join them. There are a lot of things going on around Cincinnati and I love that I get to be apart of something new!

Back to this weekend, it consisted of:

1) Games

2) Margaritas

3) Quality People

4) Car dance parties

5) Taylor Swift

6) "Come to my crib!"

7) Movies

8) Cooking With Friends

9) Wine

10) Lots And Lots Of Laughing

Angie, James and I went to see the movie Valentines Day on well... you guessed it... Valentines Day. The movie was just ok, the commentary by us was priceless. Then everyone else came over and ate the delicious food that we made! I can't take too much credit though because James is quite the kitchen nazi and wouldn't let me stir the noodles. They turned out great though, so I can't complain. Then we all sat around and played this great game called In A Pickle (or something like that). It got rowdy to say the least.

I love my friends.

Today was quite the adventure. I lost my phone. Pretty sure "white death" ate it. But that's ok.

It was a good day nonetheless.

1 Samuel 17:45-47

2010-02-10T11:31:00.005-06:00

"You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hands, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD save; for the battle is the LORD'S, and he will give all of you into our hands."

David is a badass.

The same God that empowered David, kings and other great leaders is in me. I have the same authority in Christ to overcome any sort of trouble that happens in my life. The fear of man is one fear I should never have if I truly believe I belong to the same God that saved Israel over and over and over again.

At the point, David was just a boy who watched over sheep all day. There was nothing cool or flashy about that job. But David knew who his LORD was and the power He gave to those who were after His heart. He says it perfectly in verses 34-37:

"Your servant has been keeping his father's sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. The LORD who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine."

The best part about David was his life was a mess. He screwed up multiple times and did some serious damage. Fortunately, when we come to God and admit our crap... He has already forgotten it and wants us to continue to pursue Him. He doesn't want to put guilt on us or shame... that is what Satan does. I knew someone that once told me that every time he read his bible he felt guilty, so he stopped reading it. That isn't God putting guilt on him, that is Satan lying to him and telling him he isn't ever going to be good enough for God's love. God wants all who are weak to come to him so He can build us up and make us strong. Jesus didn't go to those who had it all together... I believe this is why we need to surround ourselves with a community of people who know they aren't perfect and are in desperate need of God.

The hardest thing to let go of is our pride and to humbly come before the Lord asking for help. But it's not until we do that when we then gain strength like David to overcome the "giants" in our life.

2010-02-09T15:50:00.000-06:00

This is what a real snow day looks like.

2010-02-07T16:52:00.002-06:00

This bird was sitting right outside our window.

Fattest bird ever.

At least it's going to stay warm this winter.

2010-02-05T11:50:00.001-06:00

Jesus flirted with me today.

I literally blushed.

I am falling in love with Jesus.

2.26.10

2010-02-03T16:53:00.001-06:00

this is goin down.

2010-02-02T14:57:00.001-06:00

Not gonna lie... My organizational skills are awesome.

2010-02-01T19:26:00.002-06:00

I love my friends.

2010-01-31T14:08:00.002-06:00

Man, I really have to start working on this whole patience thing. I'm very much one of those people that likes to get things done and do it right. But if it takes a little longer than expected I start to lose focus and drive and slowly drift away from the task at hand. I HATE admitting this about myself and it is most definitely not one of my attractive qualities. Luckily, I have wonderful people in my life that still love me anyway :). I need those people to tell me to slow down every once in a while.

History speaks for itself. I didn't think about the consequences of just up and moving to Nashville at the age of 18. All I knew was that was what I felt God was pulling me towards and I wanted to get out of Cincinnati. I dropped out of school for this reason as well and I didn't think about what was after all of this. In a way, this isn't a terrible thing. Most people wont do what they really want because they fear the unknown. But I definitely need a balance. Whoever decides it's a good idea to marry me will have to be one of those people that considers the consequences and weighs the good with the bad.

In the mean time, I'll have to learn to do that with Gods help. Cause Jesus knows I need as much help as I can get. This is just one of the many things I am working on right now. There are certain things in my life that are helping me learn this... as painful as it is. I know in the end I will appreciate these things, but right now I feel like I'm crawling. But of course I'm crawling because God knows my legs aren't strong enough yet to walk and He only wants the best for me.

Patience.

It's what I need, right now.

On a side note: Alton did a fantastic job this weekend. The series in the high school has been about if you only have 30 days to live. What would you do differently? How would this affect your relationships? We have really tried to have the students walk away with something tangible. Whether it's a challenge at home or making a bucket list... it's not just going to church then forgetting what you just heard, it's a lifestyle change. Well, this is the last week and Alton spoke on forgiveness. That even the worst of the worst people you can think of know how to love their friends. As a Christ follower we are called to take it a step further and love the people that constantly piss us off. Sounds like the crappy end of the deal but it's deeper than our own selfish wants and needs. One of the most dangerous sins is bitterness because those roots can go so deep. It takes years to sometimes forgive certain people that have hurt us. One of the biggest things I learned over at YWAM was that sometimes it takes multiple times of forgiving someone to truly have forgiven them. I used to think that I just had to say it once, when in reality the bitterness rises when sparked by something and I'll have to say it again. I forgive you. And sometimes I have to say it to myself. Those are the hardest to forgive... your past mistakes. But if you can't forgive yourself, you wont be able to forgive someone else that has hurt you.

Ok, time to read. I'm starting a book I am very very excited about... thank you dad for your plethora of books in that library of yours downstairs.

2010-01-29T20:09:00.000-06:00

my hair takes way too long to grow.

hurry up.

2010-01-27T14:27:00.001-06:00

2010-01-25T00:42:00.000-06:00

Can I have him? Please.

2010-01-24T23:28:00.001-06:00

Dont mess with the force...

103.

2010-01-23T13:51:00.002-06:00

I've been sick these past few days (temp. of 103) and it has given me a lot of time to think, that is when my head isn't throbbing. I watched an entire film on the Weatherman Underground and was just in shock for most of the time. I hate admitting that most likely, if I were alive during that time... I would have wanted to just stay out of everything and not bother anyone.

I pray that God puts a passion that can't be quenched in my heart

for the broken and lost.

I'm tired of my lack of urgency to DO anything. And how easily we forget the power of prayer and how BIG God is. I may not be able to do anything physically but there is a spiritual warfare going on and I can take part in that. I was reading more about abortions and I hate that I haven't done more about this before. There is going to be a night of prayer and worship at Faith Christian Fellowship on Tuesday night. I plan on putting my faith to work that night and living out what I am called to do in this life.

Like my dad said on Sunday, "God didn't call us to be just nice people" If that were it, I would have been out of the game a long time ago. Jesus shook the culture around him at that time... He wasn't there to make "good people." The disciples wouldn't have been beaten, killed, stoned and imprisoned for me to be moral. GOD the creator of all the heavens and earth wouldn't have sent His son to die a horrible death on the cross just so I could hopefully get up on a Sunday morning and go to church.

He sent His son so I could live. Not a life restricted with rules but a life full of REAL joy and hope. I have something to live for and I have a God that loves me so much. Our bodies are all destined to die... ever since the fall. And God has so much mercy that He allows us to constantly fail but try again.

Like a child learning to walk, my Father doesn't get angry when I fall

but rejoices when stand up and take that first step.

I honestly don't know where this came from... kind of vomited words just then. Felt like I needed to write that and I probably needed to say it out loud for myself more than anyone else.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite bands and one of their many terrific songs:

Leap Year!!

2010-01-20T15:43:00.002-06:00

There is an amazing new movie out about MY BIRTHDAY!! I feel like my birthday is forgotten because well... it doesn't exists 3 out of 4 years.

But I need to see this movie, asap.

2010-01-18T17:42:00.002-06:00

This is what I do when I get bored...

2010-01-16T15:54:00.003-06:00

This is gonna be a fun weekend!

2010-01-16T15:00:00.001-06:00

I love journaling at this starbucks... Its like a cottage :)

p.s.

2010-01-13T16:37:00.003-06:00

I'm getting married here:

Hello Chicago.

Recently read:

2010-01-13T14:50:00.002-06:00

"Advice columnist Ann Landers once gave some helpful advice regarding the work marriage involves. One of her readers lamented the unrealistic ideas many girls had of marriage, beseeching, 'Why don't you level with them, Ann?' Landers replied:

I have leveled with the girls -- from Anchorage to Amarillo.

I tell them that all marriages are happy.

It's the living together afterward that's tough.

I tell them that a good marriage is not a gift,

It's an achievement.

That marriage is not for kids. It takes guts and maturity.

It separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls.

I tell them that marriage is tested daily by the ability to compromise.

Its survival can depend on being smart enough to know what's worth fighting about.

Or making an issue of or even mentioning.

Marriage is giving -- and more important, it's forgiving.

And it is almost always the wife who must do these things.

Then, as if that were not enough, she must be willing to forget what she forgave.

Often that is the hardest part.

Oh, I have leveled all right.

If they don't get my message, Buster,

It's because they don't want to get it.

Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals

Because nobody wants to read the small print in dreams."

I think with my age and all the seasonal love going around, people need to remind themselves of these things... Especially girls. If we get the reality of marriage in our heads, we will be able to walk into our next relationships with a clear prospective. It's going to be hard work which makes me grateful for this time being single to prepare my heart and attitude. Plus, I am still needing to work on friendships and relationships with my family. If I can't serve them, how could I serve a husband?

I never wanted to really write about boys on here, but... I'm excited to see who God puts in my life and am going to patiently wait. Patience isn't my strongest trait and obviously God wants to work on that, so here we go.

Job Description:

2010-01-11T14:17:00.003-06:00

"Must be able to stand the duration of shift and perform routine tasks with a minimum of supervision,

Requires bending, stooping, reaching, kneeling, twisting, grasping, pushing and pulling."

Do what you love.

2010-01-10T17:34:00.004-06:00

Ever since I've been back I have been trying to figure out "what's next." I got so tired of asking God that I finally just gave up trying to figure it out. I didn't stop moving forward, just stopped trying to plan out/organize my next big endeavor. I wasn't being ok with where I was at and wearing myself out trying to make my life seem more exciting than what it sounds like. To most people my life probably sounds typical and sort of mundane if I tried explaining to them what a week looked like.

But God has been working on my heart this whole time. If my life were any different, these dark spots wouldn't be brought up and I wouldn't have to deal with them. It's causing me to be stronger in areas I didn't know needed work. I love/hate how God teaches me lessons in the most unpredictable ways.

A knew passion has been ignited in my heart recently. I never knew how much I LOVE playing worship music. I love working in the Student Union. Hands down the most encouraging environment I have ever been in. Everyone has been so supportive of me playing and have challenged me in some areas as well. Every weekend I look forward to getting back on stage and worshiping with a gift I didn't really think I had. I'm slowly beginning to gain more and more courage up on stage which makes me less distracted so I can actually worship. I focus less on what I'm playing and more on singing to my Father. Playing my guitar becomes more natural and I already can hear a difference.

This weekend has been the best weekend yet since Australia. The best part is, it wasn't because of a party or friends (all great things)... it was simply being able to serve God and use a gift He has given me. It's been a long time since I feel like I have served God... rather than asking Him to serve me.

Next weekend is going to crazy!! I am so so so so excited to play for the adults over the in the main service (celebration, sorry dad). It's somewhat nerve racking but a good kind of rush! I don't think I have ever played in front of this many people and Dustin is having me lead a song. You better believe I'm gonna be practicing in my sleep! That way when I get on stage, I can tune out all my fears and insecurities and fully be engaged with Jesus while playing on a KILLER sound system. :) can't go wrong there.

I am so thankful God brought me back to a place I never thought I'd be, while doing something I never thought I'd do.

2010-01-06T23:39:00.002-06:00

#97 Patrick Watson / Part 4 - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

Patrick Watson @ Soirée de poche - Slip into your skin from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

He is what I listened to on all the plane rides...

2010-01-06T13:32:00.005-06:00

Owls are so 2009...

It's time to let the foxes take over 2010...

2010-01-06T02:02:00.000-06:00

2010-01-05T21:58:00.000-06:00

i like this.

Who Knew?!

2010-01-05T19:29:00.003-06:00

Uh, no one told me Chris Thile was extremely attractive?!!

It shouldn't be allowed to have that much talent AND good looks...

Sheesh.

2010-01-04T13:47:00.003-06:00

We watched this movie in Australia and you can buy it on Amazon...

incredibly inspiring.

2010-01-03T00:24:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I'm not gonna lie. I was not pumped about this new year at all. But Briana summed up my life perfectly:

I'm looking out at an open sea in a small boat and I don't even have paddles.

I feel like God is telling me to be ok with this picture. I have to be ok with having 0 expectations or major plans right now... because He will provide the adventure. By the end of the new years eve festivities I slowly became really sad. I realized how I didn't have any major traveling adventures to look forward to this year and turning 22 isn't really all too exciting. So then that causes me to ask God this question, how do I make this year more about you and less about me?

What can I do this year to further His kingdom and not just go with what I think is the next thing? I told myself I didn't want to act on a whim anymore... I wanted to go to God first with everything I even THINK about doing. Whether it's a relationship or career, I want God to be the first to say what's next. So when it comes to 2010, I'm going to let God unfold what's next... I don't have a say because what I have tried in the past has failed.

So here's to the new year and learning to hear God speak!

2010-01-01T13:28:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

I don't know how this year could possibly top last... but here we go!

2009-12-30T00:24:00.002-06:00

2009-12-28T00:36:00.001-06:00

(http://eeejk.tumblr.com)

"Wrapping" up Christmas

2009-12-26T00:30:00.004-06:00

Christmas is finally over... phew. I feel like this week has been a whirlwind of business and family. I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy every second of it though. I love being around my family and we definitely know how to party.

There has been a lot going through my head recently... not necessarily about one thing. Mainly about life in general. It's been ridiculously easy to begin to start thinking that this whole life is about me. I mean, that's what we pretty much hear all day long from the media and our friends. But I think the biggest thing I have been really experiencing this holiday season is that... the more I try to think about others, the more love I receive back. And the more love I receive, the more I can give and that makes this whole season a LOT easier to live through.

I used to go through the seasons trying to find something that would fill my time. Whether that's a relationship or a job... nothing would satisfy me. It's embarrassing looking back and seeing how much damage I have caused on other people and on my own heart. I can honestly say that in these last 6 months God totally has reshaped my heart. I no longer want to live my life based on my emotions... because my emotions have lead me to nowhere good. I am having to do a lot of "cleaning up" in my life because of the way I acted. Right now it's hard because its the holidays and I would love to be all lovey dovey but when it really comes down to it... it's not about me. I have honestly had to tell myself to get over myself and enjoy the day. If only someone could be a fly on the wall hahaha, you would definitely get a kick out of my pep talks.

This last year is going to be nearly impossible to beat. But I don't doubt God anymore and His abilities to take me out of the most mundane life and give me the biggest adventure I could only dream of. I had written so many journal entries about how I was bored and needed something else in my life. I would complain to God all the time about my life and how I knew I needed to be doing something "bigger." So of course God heard me and totally took me out of my comfort zone, out of my "world" and put me on the other side of the world. Not even that, He went above and beyond and let me learn how to surf in the number one surfing spot in the world. He KNEW that I have always loved the surfing culture. So not only was I surfing for the first time in my life... I was being taught in the most desired place in the world. God is a good good God.

The fact that He sent part of his OWN self to live in a world that is in attack by Satan. To come in like a infant, completely naked and vulnerable. To live a life with the same temptation and darkness ONLY to die in the end.

Luckily, those who believe know that isn't the end. I believe that He is alive and because of that I can now live a life that is free of debt. The fact that Jesus loves us SO much He would die so we could live with grace... it's something that is so hard to get your head around. Thankfully by the grace of God I have room to make mistakes and learn how to walk with Him.

Christmas is all about remembering how Jesus came... and how loved we are because He came.

2009-12-24T19:10:00.001-06:00

Christmas Eve dinner around a fire!

My Happy Things:

2009-12-17T23:19:00.009-06:00

Push play then proceed...

Just thought I would post a picture blog tonight. Here are all the things that I love:

Cincinnati/Traveling

My Family/ Good friends

Thinking while driving at night/Taking time out to read a good book

2009-12-14T11:53:00.001-06:00

I love christmas!

Honesty

2009-12-13T14:44:00.002-06:00

Fears:

I don't know what is next
I don't have a degree to get a job that has benefits so I can live
I am absolutely terrified about this worship internship

Hopes:

I hope that God keeps me in this place of dependency
I hope I never begin to believe I can "handle" my life
I want to constantly put myself in places that push me

What I hope for is what I also resist constantly. The funny thing is... I feel like God is telling me to stay here in Cincinnati and for most people, staying somewhere is the easy part. The hardest thing for me to do is to be okay having plans to go nowhere. I need to learn how to be okay with where I am at. That's so hard to do though when where you are at seems so insignificant. I have to constantly remind myself that that isn't what life is about. It's not about me. I know, surprise surprise! I'm pretty terrible at letting go of my own wants and needs. This was all apparent to me while over seas but it's been hitting me in the face quite a few times since I've been back. I want to learn to serve people better and not have to think twice about it.

even this blog is so self consumed.

I hope that when people read this blog, they realize how much I do NOT have it all together. I'm pretty good at this point coming up with answers for questions that I get asked all the time. So since I've been back I've been really trying my hardest to answer the question in a way that I remember the trip on that particular day. That way the answer is never the same and each person gets a different learning experience and its genuine because that is the wisdom I am most likely trying to apply at the time.

Sometimes I over think when I talk to people which then makes the conversation awkward because I am so consumed with trying to think of what to say rather than just listening. I really do have good intentions though... I want people to know that I really am interested in them.

Ah, I need a job.

Lord, save me.

Goodbye Nashville

2009-12-07T12:28:00.005-06:00

One thing was made extremely clear (once again) to me about Nashville.

It is not my home.

It's a great city for sure with lots of cool places and fun people. But this past weekend made it completely clear that Cincinnati is where my heart truly is at. The friends I have showed me what genuine love and friendship looks like. I'm also learning that there are some people that I will never really keep in touch with ever again. Most of those people live in Nashville and that's ok! There is nothing wrong with finally accepting that I will never call this or that person ever again. But there are a few people that have really put effort into staying in touch even when I was on the other side of the world. Those are quality people that I hold close to my heart and will forever be in my life.

I quickly remembered why I stayed in Nashville for so long. It's really easy to get stuck there... People like to stay young, that's what America is all about right? Well, Nashville is a town full of young and rising talents who are eager to work their way to the top. I feel like sometimes people forget though that there is life outside of that town and their circles. I almost want to just kidnap some of the people and put them on a plane to some third world country and tell them to not come back till the understand that life isn't about them.

I'm slightly ranting...

I know people are doing cool things all around that town. Lisa proves that to me over and over again and that's why it's great to have a friend like her :).

Plus, can I just throw this out there... You don't have to be homeless to help the homeless.
Ok, I'm done.

I do love Nashville and will always be close to my heart. I don't know the next time I will see it because it's time to REALLY make Cincinnati my home. No more picking up and leaving for me. That's almost scarier that traveling across the entire world...

2009-11-30T00:18:00.002-06:00

Man, I can't believe I've been home for a week now. I seriously miss Australia... but being home is stretching me in so many different ways. It's hard for me to step back and see how many opportunities I have been given to use what I learned and continue to grow. It's a hard type of growing pain but I can already see that I'll come out stronger afterward.

I can feel the change that happened in my heart. Makes me feel uncomfortable in certain places that used to be so normal. I don't know how I feel about that... I obviously like that God has changed my heart but I'm going to have to make some adjustments to how I used to live. That's exactly what I asked for though, so now begins the journey of dying to myself daily.

I really don't have much to say on this post.

This is how I feel.

2009-11-22T22:43:00.003-06:00

I'm back in Cincinnati now and I can't even begin to describe what my life has been like the past 5 months. I feel like this video sums it up. We were told the first week, right before outreach, and the last week to write letters. The last week we wrote letters we basically wrote out every promise God had fulfilled in our lives during this time. So, I'm going to share my letter with you because it basically sums up the whole trip:

To my Father whom I love,

I fly home in 4 days and I can't believe this is over. Reading over those past letters, I'm blown away by the changes you made in my heart. Outreach was definitely a hard time to stay focused. I realized that I'm really going to need to push myself even harder when I get home to continue this relationship with you. I can become so easily distracted. You are so incredibly faithful and I never did anything to deserve it.

Thank you for the convictions and challenges during this whole DTS. I see how you put random people in my life to teach me random lessons. You continuously taught me how to love people that weren't anything like me. You used prostitutes in Thailand to show me that I'm no better than them in your eyes and yet you love us just the same. It was no longer "them" and "me," it became "us" and we are all family.

Through books you taught me to see Jesus through new eyes. I'm now even more confused but you ignited a curiosity in my heart to seek after the truth even more. To no longer go off of what people have told me and to see for myself. You showed me what authority in Christ looks like. What walking through the streets filled with prostitutes, praying that you bring justice and hope to every single person that walks on it. I realized the importance/real-ness of spiritual warfare. That putting on the armor of God isn't just a kids demonstration and there really is a war going on.

You continued to put music back into my life. Dropped a few ideas of what could possibly be next. You also showed me how to love/see the kids of Indonesia like you do. You showed me some of the most beautiful places in the world and some of the most beautiful people. You took me on the biggest adventure of my life and showed me what an adventure life is. You made me appreciate home even more and my family and how important they are. You also showed me that you are also the only one who sustains and provides. Family can only do so much but you are the ultimate provider and healer. You can not only heal the outer wounds, you can heal the wound to the heart.

I have learned how to constantly die to myself and I still struggle with that. I don't think that will ever end on this earth. I'm still trying to grasp the supernatural side to you and waiting on the revelations I know you'll give me in time. I know one day I will understand the Holy Spirit more. Right now I just need to work on living like Jesus and learning to love like he did. If love conquers fear, then when I learn to love I will no longer fear man and will be more open to receiving the Holy Spirit in my life. I already have the Holy Spirit in me, but I want more.

I wont ever be able to be perfect but you are and my life depends on you. Thank you for giving me life so I can try to be more like Jesus everyday and have a second chance. Thank you for these past five months and the opportunity to continue to grow closer to you. You are my lover, Father and provider forever.

Amen.

2009-11-22T10:15:00.002-06:00

Guess who is back!!

Quick Update from Thailand

2009-09-24T23:40:00.004-05:00

Talk about an experience.

Thailand has been absolutely beautiful. What a blessing to be here and see everything that we have seen. But really, that isn't at all what is important anymore. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world...

We are working with this ministry down here to basically give girls that work at the bars (prostitutes) a way out and tell them there are other jobs they can have. They work at these bars every night and don't get paid a cent unless a man walks by that they can get to buy them out of the bar for the night and sleep with them. There are thousands and thousands of girls on just a few streets down here and we just so happened to come the week the Navy sailed in. So that means 9000 navy guys roaming the streets, looking to have "fun." The girls at each bar just look so hopeless and lonely. It's seriously so sad to see and words can't describe when you are walking down a street and each girl is grabbing at your arm trying to get you to come into her bar and buy a drink. Most of these girls are mid 20's to 30's and it's just disgusting when you see two of them holding the hands of an old man who could be my grandpa's age and he is taking them back to his place. It's just sickening.

Every girl we talk to we ask her if she likes doing this and she some of them say they love their job and some of them are honest and say they don't like it. But this job pays way more than others and they have to send money back to their families (who by the way don't know they are doing this) and be the provider. I asked one of them why she doesn't have a boyfriend and she told me she wasn't pretty enough for one. They have been told lies all their lives and Satan has such a hold on their minds.

Believing in God is most definitely NOT just a religion. It's NOT something to fall back on when times are tough. Those who use it for just those reasons do not know who God is. It is a battle that needs to be fought. I am so incredibly weak... I can't speak their language, we are typically tired cause we go out at night, my allergies are bad and I don't feel like I have as much wisdom as I should to do this kind of ministry. But thank GOD He is so much bigger than me and my weakness. I have realized that all I need is a willing heart, which is hard for me to grasp because I love being prepared. I like knowing what I am doing and I don't want to embarrass myself... but when God just says to me, Katie just be willing and go out- don't worry about the rest. It's hard to hear that.

This week has definitely opened my eyes to a whole new spiritual side to life. Growing up in America where we don't really look at the spirit side of things very often. We like to be real and "normal"... don't do anything that could freak people out because that isn't normal. But you go anywhere else in the world and there is a spirit in every single thing possible. Every time we drive up to the top of this mountain to get to where the city is everyone honks their horn. They are honking to the spirit of the mountain... weird right? Nope. That is what they know... and who are we to say that we are "normal" here in America? We need to recognize there is a spiritual world out there. Now, don't get me wrong... there definitely isn't a "mountain spirit" but there is a God who is real. There are demons and Satan is using them as much as he possibly can. There is darkness and we are called as Christ followers to go into those places and bring hope and light. It may seem impossible but when you have the creator on your side... there is no competition.

I know this blog has a lot in it. Probably a bad idea to write about this on here but maybe someone needed to hear it. It's the truth and that's all I ever want to talk about now. America has sugar coated religion and now people have no idea what it really means to be a Christian. We never GAVE ourselves that name, Christian. We were called Christians... we were called that because of the way we acted. Being a Christian isn't easy and it definitely doesn't make all the bad things in life go away. If anything it makes life harder because then you realize you have a duty to tell other people that there is a God that wants to give us REAL life that is full of excitement and hope.

Alright, I could talk about this for days.

Basically, I'm learning a lot... and it's hard.

Please pray for my team and that we continue to walk in unity. Satan is trying reallll hard to keep us out of those streets and we wont back down.

I love you all.

Short but Sweet

2009-09-18T05:46:00.003-05:00

>> I leave for Thailand on Sunday at 5:15am for 2 weeks

>> I will live on a boat for about 2 weeks going from island to island in Indonesia

>> Then end up in Nias Indonesia to stay for the last 4 weeks

>> It was the last week of lectures... we cleaned the houses today and packed up

>> I'm extremely excited to go on this adventure and see how God changes me

>> I'm not so excited about the "squatty potties"

>> Definitely am excited to go back home to Cincy and begin the next adventure

>> I love the team I am going with on outreach, we know how to have fun

>> I made the BEST playlist ever this week... 43 songs that are worth every minute

>> Wont have a computer, phone, or the internet for 2 months... and I kind of like
that idea.

I pretty much love my life right now.

2009 has been the best year yet.

Being 21 is such a blast.

>> I love being young <<

Who knew?

2009-08-28T06:18:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't updated in a while... kind of has been insane. Which is really no surprise.

Basically I leave in two weeks to go to Thailand and then to Indonesia. We spend two weeks in Thailand and then 6 weeks in Indo... then we fly back to Australia for only one week then I come home! Time is seriously flying by and it's hard to even explain half the things I have learned. I've been taking heaps of notes and reading a ton. By the time I go on outreach I will have read the whole New Testament, which for me is HUGE. I had no idea how impacting even that would be. I can't wait to meet Paul in Heaven and ask him lots and lots of questions. It inspires me to have a faith as unshakable as him... it CAN be done.

Thailand is going to be such a stretching time for me. If talking to the muslim girls about Jesus and seeing how hopeless love looks like in their eyes was heartbreaking... I can't imagine how I am going to feel when I am talking to a prostitute in Thailand who is in major spiritual bondage. What I didn't ever think about is... Satan knows how to blind people. These girls are completely blind and they don't see that what they are doing is completely wrong. The BEST part about God is that we can pray against that before we even go. We can already begin fighting in the war before we head out to physically put ourselves there.

Last week we learned about spiritual warfare and our jewish roots. I never knew half the stuff about our Jewish friends. They really are the root of the Christian faith. Without jews, our faith would be so different. They are the reason we have salvation... Romans 11:11-12.

The jews never crusified Jesus... you and I did. It was for all OUR sins... not just the sins of the jews. If that was the case then we would not be reviecing Gods mercy and grace right now. Because we would be left to just the law and the law by itself leads to death. God has always used the weaker persons...

1) Abraham = Old man
2) Isaac = Only son of Abraham (through the spirit)
3) Jacob = youngest

Jacob's name is then Israel and are you catching onto the pattern here?

Jacob had the 12 tribes and then Joseph came along and then BAM Egypt and Gentiles.

I honestly don't know where I was going with that... besides the fact that we are all gentiles and are under Gods grace rather than the law that the jews feel like they are under. But they only feel that way because they don't understand the new covenant that was brought with Jesus.

It's so incredible that everything that happens in the old testament leads up the the new covenant. All history proves how faithful God is. He isn't a mean God that is extremely distant... WE the people have been the ones to get greedy and screw things up. Which makes us need grace all the more.

I'm slowly grasping this concept that I truly need grace. I have heard that so much growing up that I think I became numb to how HUGE that really is. I didn't know the history behind it as well so that kind of helps me see why.

Anyways, this week is going to be reallll good. We are talking about the Kingdom of God and how we fit into this equation. During the lecture yesterday I had a few thoughts drop into my head of how I could start living out my ministry in Cincinnati and I think God was behind all those thoughts. Its such a simple concept... a minsitry doesn't have to be in a building. It can be doing what I have always done... I just change the way I think. Going to places with a prayerful conscience. I love it... its so easy and anyone can do it.

Anyways, sorry this is so scrambled. I have been given a TON of information and history and revelations have just been all over the place. Its hard to sum up two weeks and how I feel in my heart because there is just SO much going on.

All of this to say: I keep falling more and more in love with my Father. Each day no matter how I feel I choose to start new and pursue Him. No matter how bad I screwed up the day before... it doesn't matter because by his GRACE I have today.

God is merciful enough that He gave me another day to live...

Relationships Week.

2009-08-22T04:13:00.007-05:00

This week was definitely an unexpected one. I know quite a few people that would say, "Oh yeah, Katie... relationships week is definitely something you need to be present in!" Hah, so glad I can laugh about that actually.

This week God changed my heart.

There is no "I think" or "I feel like..." or any statement that represents uncertainty. I know that God gave me a revelation of freedom that I just can't deny. This week started out slow for me and it honestly took till Thursday to make a huge impact on the way I thought about relationships. The first few days were talking about relationships with other people, ourselves and God. But it wasn't till Thursday when we talked about romantic relationships. Yeah, I know there are things I need to work on when it comes to loving my neighbor... but that wasn't the home run topic of this week.

It wasn't till the end of the speakers talk on Thursday when she did an example that seemed so cliche but that is where God came in and spoke ever so softly to my heart. I'm not going into detail because I have to also protect this new revelation in my heart, if I know you personally I will totally talk to you about it because I want to be able to give God all the glory in this story. But I also wanted to update and tell you all that God is a merciful God that is so much bigger than satan.

I will say that satan isn't a creator... he can only use what God has created. So therefore the temptations I fall into is handed over to satan to use against me. God is a just God and has to allow satan to use it because we gave him that foothold. But I now know that I can't try to forget my past or the sin I have allowed satan to have because then, how will I ever be released from it?! I have to accept that I am so incredibly fallen and that without Jesus... I would be damned to hell because I have SUCH weak flesh.

Praise Jesus that his Father would have such mercy on me that He would send His own son to die in order to force satan to release my sin from his grasp and hand me back over to my Heavenly Father!

I then have to admit that I have sinned, terribly. Especially when it comes to representing true love and all the sacrifices that come with it. And then allow God's healing to start taking over my character and heart. I can't count how many time my soul cried out for help while I deliberately chose to hurt my Father.

Thursday I defeated satan. He no longer has any foothold on a certain part of my life. It was all so subtle and very un-climatic on the outside but on the inside I became completely free! I'm never going back to how I used to be... it's just not possible because my Dad has allowed me to walk in freedom and I can make that choice. Faith is definitely a choice. I wish someone had told me that before... I'm sure they did but not in the way I am hearing it now.

I can choose to not think those thoughts, love an annoying friend, die to my own will, give glory to God in all circumstances, believe in healing, love myself even though I screw up big time.

I can choose that God is with me always and to walk in strength and not fear.

In 2 Corinthians 4:10 Paul says, "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." It then goes on to say in 4:17, "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

Basically, if I learn to contemplate openly and pray unceasingly to the Lord... I can understand what freedom is and what it means to feel his glory because I have the spirit inside of me.

I have began my journey of learning to seek God first, in my thoughts and heart before I think about anything else. When I do this... I can walk in freedom. Freedom from the bondage that past relationships have brought into my life... and I know whole heartedly that my future husband will be free from my bondage as well because satan has been defeated... since Thursday!

I love it.
I love Jesus.
I love my Father who sent Jesus.
<3

Ok...

2009-08-16T07:10:00.003-05:00

Romans is officially my new favorite book in the bible. I just got done reading it today and I would have to say that God really pressed into me during that time.

There is so much I wish I had known earlier... and I know I can't regret anything so I'm definitely soaking it all in now for the future. I called myself a christian all my life but I feel like I'm JUST now understanding what it means to be a follower of Christ. I'm having daily revelations of concepts that I have heard all my life. I used to think that I "got it" but when I look back, just these past 6 weeks I have learned more than I have my entire life.

I tried to base most of my relationship with God off emotions. But I failed to remember that I am in a covenant with God and it doesn't matter how I am feeling... I should have unceasing prayer and press into Him daily. I can't count how many times I heard how much I should do a daily devotional but honestly... that makes it sound so watered down. I'd rather say I'm having a daily conversation with my Father who loves me so much that not even the angels or demons can separate His love for me [Romans 8:37-39].

Having a stable relationship with God gives me more hope than having scattered "God highs" that only lasts for a day or weekend. Although I'm sure those are nice, I am happy with where I am in my relationship with Him because it explains in Romans how Abraham did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God. Instead he was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. Basically it shows he was human and wanted to doubt the power of God but didn't and through that God was able to be glorified through him. How great of a honor is that?!

I hope that one day God will trust me enough to give me an opportunity like that. I know right now I am still a baby and can barely be trusted with the little nudges He gives me. But hopefully I will be persistent with learning to walk in His truth and live a life full of faith that overcomes fear of man.

I made a beautiful illustration of something that stuck out to me that one of the speakers talked about:

:: We are the guy in the middle ::
:: Walking on a log (life) high above the rocky ground (death) ::

I am trying to use this illustration in my everyday thinking. Basically when we try to walk in our faith with Jesus Christ we have to be looking towards the truth... constantly. If we are looking anywhere else we lose our balance and fall off the log. So if I keep looking back at my emotions and worrying about them... of course I'm going to fall off the log because I wont be able to keep my balance. If we live off of trying feel all these emotions, our relationship with God will be a crazy roller coaster ride. Eventually we will just give up and that's when a spiritual death happens. But when I walk in faith and seek truth daily my emotions will always be following behind me and they wont be able to drive me anymore.

This is SO key, I believe. It makes for a more stable relationship with God and people will see the change in you because it's not so back and forth on your ideas. I wish I had known this before because I'm sure I have confused a lot of non-believers through my search for a constant "God high." I asked God for forgiveness and can't dwell on how bad I probably screwed how people viewed Christians. But I can say that I will never be the same after this whole experience.

I can already feel God starting to transform my heart and the way I thought a Christian should be. I think I'll just end like this...

It's only by God's grace that I stumbled into this adventure.

2009-08-15T01:40:00.002-05:00

So I'm going to try to update everyone on the past couple of weeks without writing a novel.

I know quite some time has gone by and I haven't been able to catch everyone up. I had no idea we were going to be THIS busy all the time. I am having a hard time even keeping up with mom and dad. I've only been able to talk to Rachel once since I left. So this has definitely been an experience.

We went out about a week ago to do outreach every night to specifically the Muslims. Before we got to where we were staying I was pretty nervous about the whole situation. I just didn't know anything about the Muslim culture, let alone how to talk to people at random. First night we were there we were educated a bit and then shipped out into the streets of the Gold Coast. We walked around for a good while praying and asking God how in the world we go about this. Ended up asking a few muslim girls if they could take a picture of us. From there on we just started talking and they were so incredibly sweet. We prayed that we would run into them the next night and sure enough... we walk into the same area and we saw them! Talked again and made plans to hang out the next night. Got to hang out again and just got to know them, asked them lots about their culture, what dating was like, etc etc. By the next night they wanted us to come over for one of their birthday parties! So we got her a little gift and took her out to ice cream. That night we got into a real good conversation about love and what that looks like to them. We got to talk about Jesus and how we receive our love from Him and how its unconditional. It was a really good conversation and probably affected me more than it did them... God really was speaking to me during that and I loved being able to share without questioning myself or doubting.

Basically by the end of that week I made some great friends! I can't believe I was even scared in the first place. I love it.

This week has been prayer week and saying it was exhausting is barely describing it. We split into groups of 3 or 4 and had 2 hour prayer slots throughout the day. Each day we had different things to pray about specifically and the last day we did it was praying for what comes next for each one of us individually. It was pretty cool and we just sat and prayed and listened to worship music. I think those two hours of the days were definitely my favorite hours this week. By the end of this week I have felt completely exhausted but I feel somewhat encouraged? I never had any major "God moment" but by the end I knew that God was telling me to continue pursuing Him. I have a tendency to give up after feeling like I am not getting anything in return. But this time I am not giving up and I know why I shouldn't give up as well. Not like I ever really "gave up" because obviously here I am in Australia. But I would give up reading my bible or praying unceasingly. This time though is different.

All of this is so hard to explain.
Plus I'm sun burnt and exhausted from being knocked all around by the waves today.

Basically, God is doing really cool things but right now in the DTS I am definitely being challenged.

Only a few more weeks until we go to on outreach! That is definitely going to be an experience.

I can't believe I've been here 6 weeks. Time flies by.

Lazy Saturday

2009-07-24T23:55:00.003-05:00

So today, most people went to the zoo and some people went to play soccer. I on the other hand decided to spend some time alone for once and get things done.

Weekly journal - done.
Read most of Mark - done.
Look up chords to some of my favorite worship songs - gettin that done now.
Book report - definitely not done... procrastination at its finest right there.
Update blog - attempting that right now.

Sorry it takes me so long to update. I seriously write so much during the week taking notes during lectures and then we have to write in this journal that they assess here. So all of that together just ends up being a ton of writing and reflecting and by the time I get to a computer I just don't want to think anymore.

It's the weekend right now and this week has been pretty incredible. Danny Taylor came from the Perth base to speak at ours this week about hearing Gods voice. I want to change the title of that topic because when someone says voice it makes me think of only the audible voice of God. He really helped us see that God speaks in so many ways and I hear God in my own specific way... not someone else's way. He started out by talking about the character of God and sometimes we get the wrong impression of God through past experiences that made us angry or hurt by what we thought was God. Then when we dug into the word we researched what it said God was and if we needed to pray that God corrects our past pre-judgments of Him.

Anyways... it wasn't just someone tellings us what to believe. They want us to look into the word for ourselves to get the truth. Not just listen to someone tell us what they think and then automatically believe that. So anyways... on Weds night I lead worship with a few other people and afterwards we had an open community prayer. Just praying for each other and if people just needed to confess something they had a safe place to do that. Or if you were feeling completely discouraged about not hearing God speak in the times that we set apart for that then we would pray for that. Well pretty much all of us at some point had prayer.

I just asked the group to pray that this wouldn't just be a season of my life. I want everything that I've been learning to be something that I use daily and when I go home it sticks with me and I do get a passion for something and not be apathetic anymore. Well people started praying for me and this woman Patty spoke out and told me she felt like God was saying to her that I am going to take these next few months and really dig into the word and its going to be burried in my heart so when I go back home I wont be able to forget it and God will totally pull it out when the time comes. Well then after that one of the other leaders Justin came up to me and told me he also got Psalm 119 for me. It was pretty awesome how God re-affirmed that in my life through two people and I really got encouragment through that as well.

I feel like I've had multiple conversations that I feel have helped me exercise talking about what I've been learning and it's like this is Gods way of creating a boldness in me!

Ok... I'm super distracted cause there are always people around this house. Plus there is a puppy here that is super cute.

I'll try to update more often. There is so much that I'm learning in such little time and the weeks are really starting to fly by. God is so incredible and I am falling more and more in love with Him each day.

OH p.s.
We are going to Thailand and Indonesia on our 2 month outreach!!! Crazy!! That's going to be so world shattering... I think it's going to be impossible to not be drastically changed.

All I can say...

2009-07-21T07:23:00.003-05:00

I took a walk with God today and I felt Him singing this to me through a Phillip LaRue song:

Don’t tell me you're not beautiful
Don’t lie to yourself like that
Look in my eyes all I see is lovely

So let me climb over the walls of your heart
The ones you built up aren’t tall enough to stop
Nothing’s gonna stop me now

There’s no place to move no place to run
No place to hide away from love
You’re all I want now

So stop running against the wind
Stop fighting a fight you won’t win
And let me in
I’m gonna make you feel beautiful

Cause I don’t care about the scares on your soul
I don’t care about your past so let it go
Look in my eyes it’s time

There’s no place to move no place to run
No place to hide away from love
You’re all I want now
So don’t let this go and pass you by
It’s time to let your heart decide
You know you’re all I want now

I am reaching for you will you reach back to me
I am longing for you are you longing for me

God is so good to me.

Week 2: Knowing God

2009-07-14T05:30:00.003-05:00

Father's Heart

So in our lectures this week we are talking about God as our Father and what all that means to us personally.

A few things that I wrote down were simply talking about how God corrects us and transforms us through discipline NOT punishment. A lot of people think that God puts us through things in order to teach us a lesson but that's not it at all. Sure, God may allow some things to happen because He can use the time that we are "broken" or at our worst to speak to us. Who really wants to listen to God when you think you have it all together? At that point you don't think you even need Him.

God doesn't need a scare tactic to change us. We have free will and when we want to do our own thing we put our own selves in danger... He didn't make us do anything. But here is the cool part about God... when we come crawling back because the world can't fully satisfy... He loves us just the same and is excited we want to be with Him again. He embraces us with open arms and no judgement because He is just glad is child is back again.

We did this little exercize which I thought was pretty cool. The speaker gave us each a bible verse that was picked at random and told us to go somewhere around the building and just ask God what this verse means to us specifically. We don't often just sit and listen to God and try to hear what He has to say. I got the verse Isaiah 12:2 and I just layed in the sun and asked God what does this mean to me personally. I get what the verse says and what it says upfront... but what does God want me to hear when I read this? In the verse it says that God is my salvation and he is my defender and strength. I started to feel like maybe God was telling me that He isn't just a strength to get through tough situations... He is also constantly fighting off satan from my thoughts that are harmful to myself. Thoughts of being prideful or thoughts that aren't pure... basically any thought that doesn't bring glory to Him. And I realized that it's hard enough for me to constantly be thinking about things that are only good... but I don't have to worry because God is helping me fight them off. And when I feel like I am not strong enough to keep going and want to give into my ugly thoughts... God is also my strength.

So sitting in the grass God gave me the revelation of that... which was pretty cool :). We all came back and other people had lots of cool stories on how God spoke to them through their verse as well. One thing that one of the girls said really hit me and I needed to write it down because I think God tries to tell me this all the time as well.

She talked about how she was thinking about nature and how beautiful it was. You have the mountains and all the beautiful beaches all over the world... things people just marvel at. And God spoke to her and said, "Yeah, those are beautiful but you are far greater than those." And it's just so cool to think about... God delights in us FAR more than the mountains. He loves me and cherishes me... nothing else makes Him happier than to see His baby girl (me!) smile and sit in His presence.

Anyways... thats only a glimpse of what we have been learning haha. PLUS it's only been two days! I have 5 months of all this good stuff.

OH and I got to surf today... it really hurts and is exhausting but I don't want to stop now! I am going to try to do it as much as I can and really try to get decent at it.

Anyways, God is good and I am so happy I get to experience this. Especially at this YWAM base because it really was perfect for me specifically. Totally clicks with my lifestyle and the way I need to be taught.

There has been so much more that has happened and I wish I could write it all down but that would just be pages and pages.

I can't really upload pictures, but when I find a way to do that... it'll happen.

Love and miss everyoneeeee

Australia!

2009-07-10T00:26:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I am here! Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I wrote a whole long blog at the airport but my interenet doesn't work on my computer at the house. So I couldn't upload any blog and honestly... I don't feel like copying it word for word onto this computer. Cause we have three computers at our house for our own use plus if someone brought a laptop.

Anyways... I don't even know if that made sense. My mind is all over the place haha.

I seriously don't know how to sum up these past few days. It's been ridiculously insane full of every emotion possible. I miss everyone back at home so much but I am so glad I am here. Everone has such open and giving hearts... these next few months are fully and completely dedicated to God and God alone.

One of the leaders just brought over a surfboard I'm renting and I can't wait to get out on the water and try surfing for the first time. I LOVE this base so much... everyone is so relaxed and down for anything.

God is going to do some craaazy stuff and tonight is outreach in the city and I'm super excited :)

Ok, I have to skype Nick now and there isn't much time!! Thank the Lord for skype.

Airports.

2009-07-03T15:33:00.002-05:00

I leave for Australia in less than an hour... here I come 21 hour plane ride. Please pray that I pass out for most of it and get over my fear of being lost in an airport.

I can't believe I was just eating Chipotle with friends for lunch and in a few hours I'll be across the whole entire world. Life is crazy.

Ok... no time to talk.
I'll update soon!

Friends

2009-06-23T23:24:00.007-05:00

So the idea of leaving for 5 months is getting harder think about. I'm very excited to go on this adventure but I'm going to hate missing out on everything that happens here. But God keeps giving me a sign after sign that this is a good thing and I know it's something I have to do. He keeps reaffirming me and I know this is going to be so good for me. I actually met someone just yesterday that was from Australia and lived only a half hour from where I'm going. It's such a small small world.

Anyways, the benefit show was incredible. We packed almost 100 people in Taza! The bands were all incredible and everyone played for free. It ended up just being a massive party and I don't know one single person that didn't enjoy themselves. I couldn't have asked for better music... it was such a blast. Who knew benefits could be so much fun?! Anyways, without Briana and the girls... none of this would have happened. God seriously answered every single one of our prayers about the night and even took it to the next level. We ended up raising over $800 and I couldn't stop smiling all night. That is going to help me out tremendously. I still have a lot to raise but this helped me out a ton!

Tomorrow is Chic-Fil-A night. The owners are gracious enough to give me 15% of all food sales between the hours of 5-8pm. And I just so happen to get lucky and do this the week of SOS. They even put an announcement on a flyer for all 800 students to see at the conference! So hopefully we jam pack Chic-Fil-A with loads and loads of Jr. and High School students.

So anyways... thank God for my amazing friends who have helped me out with everything. I've never met such a giving group and I am blessed to have them in my life. It's hard to meet people who never ask for anything in return and genuinely just want to help because they love you. It makes you want to give to them so much more. Crazy how that works right?

Thought I'd share a few of our greatest moments...

Yeah... we're a special group sometimes...
:)

Alive.

2009-06-17T17:47:00.003-05:00

This is really the only picture I need to show to sum up my time in Norther Ireland:

Oh and maybe this one too...

2009-06-08T17:21:00.011-05:00

This is the beautiful beautiful rhine we sat on before the show

Of course all the bikes... i love it.

Talitha and my adventures!

Yeah, apparently no one was home...

This is when we jammed out on night... made lots of wonderful new friends!

Then I made some friends on Monkey Mountain (no joke)

Dad thought it would be funny if he made me the little monkey this time

Then we went to an actual castle!! It was incredible!!

Lastly off to a village in France and they called this "Le Petite Vienna"... or something.

Walking around some more in the beautiful village

And I will leave you with this :)

Wow.

2009-06-07T17:13:00.003-05:00

I don't even know where to begin.

The plane rides were extremely long but they got us to Germany safe. There are many stories that go into that one but I'll try to keep this to the point. We arrived around 4pm there and the Benz girls picked us up to take us to their house. I got to know the family a little better over an amazing dinner and a good beer. Got up late the next day and walked around Basel Germany and I have fallen in love. The city is absolutely beautiful... I can't explain it. I got to know Talitha a lot better talking about all the shopping they have there and what life is like there. She speaks english so well and makes it very easy to talk. It's fun for me to try to explain words that I wouldn't normally have to think about. Later on our parents went off to the conference and Talitha and I listened to each others music and talked about everything we were going to swap. We then got ready and went to meet up with her friend Daniel who was taking us to see some of his friends play a show in Switzerland. Before we went to that we stopped at Starbucks (ha!) and got some coffee and sat on the Rhine where TONS of young folks sit for fun and just talk. Everyone is of course drinking beer and smoking. Ah Europe :). Then we ended up meet up with another friend Kevin who took us to this lounge bar. It was called CityBeach and it was on a roof over looking all of Switzerland. It had sand with modern white couches and a pool for people to swim in if they wanted. It was too cold for that so obviously no one was in it. It was a seriously ritzy place... Talitha and I felt so under dressed because probably every single girl was in high heals. After a beer and around 9:45pm, we left and walked back to where the concert was going to be.

Check them out:

http://www.myspace.com/mananamusic

It was awesome. I got to meet the band and hang out while they all tried so hard to speak to me in english and it was so sweet. They were absolutely incredible and I can't wait to see them play in the states. Currently they are being produced by the guy who produced Sigur Ros... sooooo pretty good stuff. I had such a blast at the show and couldn't get enough of it. It's so funny because the bands write their music in english but in between songs talk normal. Made me laugh...

Got up the next day and Talitha and I went to the market far out in the countryside and bought guinea pigs/rats for the pet snake their dad has. It was so surreal walking into a tiny village with tubs being surrounded by people talking only in german. I really did feel like I was living back in the day.

We took those back to the house and she wanted to show me her church that she calls home :). It was incredible. We got coffee at the cafe and she took me on a tour of the church. They have a restaurant/bar, hotel, apartments and then the actual sanctuary all in one building. We went and listened to the worship band practice for a few mins then headed up the the creative department to visit some of her friends. They were fun and I had a blast talking and hanging out with them for a bit.

After that we decided to go on a 10min drive to France. We drove past many villages with the most amazing houses and every village had a beautiful church in the center. It was incredible... rolling hills all around and tall trees everywhere. Even the cows looked french :) . We ended up in more of a populated area and stopped at the market and it was so much fun listening to people speak french. After taking it for 3 years you'd think I would have remembered more! I was in Heaven though... so Talitha and I went into a photo booth (an actual one... not the one on your mac) and took a picture together! It's so cute and I'm going to keep it forever!

After all of that we picked up Benaja and went back to the church and had a little jam session on the stage. It was pretty fun to try to think of all the songs we both knew. Then we went up to Jonathan's apartment at the church and watched Faulty Towers. It's a british show with terrible slapstick humor but it was really funny. I loved it when everyone would quote it.

Got home super late and got up early for church. Got to wear headphones and listen to the english translated version of the service and sing worship in german. Good times. Hung out with all my new friends after church and then Talitha and I left and swapped a ton of music back at the house. Took the car out for a spin later and went all through the really rich areas and saw incredible houses. Went to switzerland to get pizza from a turkish man that was ordered by talitha who is german for me who is an american girl. Funny funny.

It is now extremely late and I have to get up early to go to monkey mountian.
I'll leave you in suspense with that.

2009-06-03T13:21:00.001-05:00

On our way!

2009-06-01T11:57:00.001-05:00

thank the lord for dads who can save the day!!

2009-05-31T14:38:00.000-05:00

Maid of honor!

2009-05-31T14:37:00.001-05:00

Everyone getting ready!

2009-05-29T10:32:00.001-05:00

3D movie anyone?!

Beauty.

2009-05-24T23:35:00.003-05:00

I love my parents. I know a lot of young folks my age that can't say the same and sometimes I feel bad talking about how blessed I am. But why should I try to hide the fact that I feel so unworthy of having this amazing family.

I know in this picture it looks like it was mid day but the sun was actually starting to set and the air was finally thinning out. Beautiful. My parents and I went out onto the back patio and sat in the hammock chairs and talked about life. One of my favorite things to do now is sit outside with good friends/family and talk about life, love and God. Nothing bad can come from that. There is no gossip, no lies, no worry... nothing but revelations, encouragement and scripture. My dad has always been good at asking fun questions to answer and he asked me where I would gauge my relationship with God right now?

I thought about all of the craziness that has been going on. Recently it has started to level back out and I've had to start on all the crap I have to get ready for ywam in July. I know that God has all this money stuff in control but my earthly body is slightly freaking out. 5,500 dollars is a lot of money to raise in 7 weeks.

He's got this. He's got this. He's got this. He's got this. He's got this.

I do on the other hand have my visa and my passport and my support letters all completed! Now we just have to book the bajillion flights to get me there and back. I'm already terrified of airports because they are so confusing... so how in the world am I going to go through multiple flight changes and attempt to not miss a flight? Pfft... no clue.

He's got this. He's got this. He's got this. He's got this. He's got this.

Oh boy, what an adventure. I feel like my story is just now starting to take shape. It's becoming interesting to tell.

Moved to Nashville when I was 18 to pursue music
Ended up having new passions ignite in me
Learned how much I love meeting new people
Learned I love to travel and find fun places
Moved back to Cincinnati
Developed some amazing life long friendships
God wrecked me in order to save me
Now I'm off to travel the world

Side note:

This is Jen and Drew.

They got married today <3 <3
Sorry I got the flu Jen... I suck.

I was actually going to be in her wedding but of course I would get the flu 3 days before. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate how I couldn't be there. I wanna hear alllllllllllllllllll about it though ;)

Ok back to my ramblings.

I'm happy. My sister gets married in a week and that's gonna be crazy to watch. My mind is going to be all over the place. Because right when we get back from Chattanooga we have to pack up everything again and leave for Europe two days later. Then two days after we get back there is a benefit show we are throwing to help me raise money for Australia. So lots and lots of stuff going on. I'm sure I'll be stressing out like crazy but trying to act calm and trust God.

Life is crazy!! If you asked me where I would be at 21 when I was in high school... I would probably say in college playing music trying to "make it." Because music was my dream. I still love writing and playing but there is so much more that I want to experience. This world is too big and I haven't seen anything yet.

Speaking of... anyone want to give me a camera? I can't afford one considering I have to raise 5000 by July 1st. And I would realllllly like to take pictures of the exotic places I go. Just throwin that out there if you even read this far.

Ok, enough talk. I need to drive home and attempt to fall asleep.
Goodnight.

Australia

2009-05-15T12:37:00.002-05:00

We have a funny God who is seriously unpredictable! I feel like I just relived a modern story of Abraham and Isaac. Here is the short version of everything...

After I got the email saying I wasn't accepted into the DTS because it was full, I went into a slight depression. I'm not a depressing person and this was really starting to wear me down. It took God to strip everything away from me in order to make sure my heart was still in the right place. Throughout the past month I've felt God ask me some seriously intense questions. Even if I have nothing, no plans or future planned out... will I still follow Him? I finally learned what it means to actively pursue God daily. There was a point where if I didn't have worship music on or wasn't meditating on God I slowly started getting depressed again.

I became really good friends with those girls I just talked about in the last post. Without them I wouldn't have been as encouraged in all of this crap. They helped me realize that God was doing something huge and I should be encouraged and I was! Even if I was in a sucky mood... I some how had a strange feeling of peace.

To sum all that up... I broke down and told God, "ok... if you seriously want me here in Cincy... then fine. Just tell me what to do here cause you know I don't want to be here without a reason!"

Welp.

God somehow got me to realize a life without Him FULLY in it... just makes no sense.

Wellllllll then I got an email from YWAM Waves yesterday and it said in big formal letters, "CONGRATS! You've been accepted!!"

I almost peed my pants in the little coffee shop on madison. Ultimately confused... I just stared at the email. I called my dad and we both just laughed so hard.

God is seriously soooo freakin good. It's like He just wanted to make sure I really wanted to pursue Him. I don't deserve any of this, I don't know why God is being so good to me. But He knows the desires of my heart and obviously wants me to fullfill them! I don't doubt for a second about Australia now... granted I have to raise a buttload of money between now and July 6th. Gos is way bigger than money as well though, and I get that.

I'm constantly blown away.

So here is my schedule now:

May 22nd-24th - Jen's Wedding (i'm in)
May 29th-31st - Rach's Wedding in Chattanooga
June 3rd-18th - Switzerland, Germany and Ireland with my parents
July 6th- December ? - Australia for YWAM

A Statement

2009-05-11T22:41:00.002-05:00

I have some of the most amazing core girls in my life.

Briana, Christine and Catherine are amazing women of God and its amazing how we can get together and just build each other up.

Who can honestly say they have friends that:
1. don't cause drama
2. push you spiritually
3. comfort you in time of need
4. not only can have fun but can create the fun
5. aren't afraid to take on challenges
6. love God more than themselves
7. vulnerable so the friendship can get deeper
8. will pray with and for you
9. can show their flaws and make jokes about them
10. hold you accountable in a loving way

I have that.

All 4 of us have such a strong desire to pursue God more and when we all get together... it gets REAL good. We have such strong passions and characteristics that somehow we balance each other out and I fully believe God is gonna use us for something big.

The only person I wish could be a 5th member would be Lisa. Miss that girl so much and she has been all these things with me as well. She is here in spirit haha.

Im not about to write this to get praise... I honestly just want to write this down:

God has seriously broken me down so much last week that for the first time I think I understand what it means to actively pursue Him. These girls have had visions and dreams and we all combined have separate gifts that bring something HUGE to the table. Just the other night Catherine and I went out to a bar and she ended up getting words from God to give to some guys we met. Totally encouraged them and let them know God still had their marriages in His hands. But we weren't planning on having a major spiritual experience that night! We just wanted to go out and have some fun! God is a big big God and I'm realizing that more and more each day.

I love being in this place now. I love not having anything BUT God. I wont have a job in 3 weeks, I don't have any sort of boyfriend and I wont have a place to live soon. I have absolutely nothing that could possibly distract me from my Lord. Most people would think I am in deep water and need to start thinking about my future but honestly... I only want to think about Jesus.

Sounds crazy but isn't that what love is?? Love is blind! I'm walking blind with Jesus but am falling madly in love.

I have never been so fascinated in my creator.

2009-05-11T14:06:00.001-05:00

Oh, and if you didnt know... this is what a good day feels like!

2009-05-11T12:23:00.000-05:00

Ive got some amazing friends and an amazing God. Today is full of genuine joy.

2009-05-08T14:54:00.002-05:00

If you live in a hole... you need to crawl out and check these out:

and...

My life is no longer mine.

2009-05-07T15:17:00.003-05:00

So I feel like I need to update everyone that actually reads this blog. In this past week my world has completely been thrown upside down. I don't think I have ever felt this unsure and confused in my entire life.

I got an email from YWAM telling me that the DTS in July was all filled up. I immediately packed up my computer from Starbucks, walked to my car and cried. That was my goal. That's the whole reason I picked up and moved to Cincinnati in the first place. I felt like God was pulling me back in order to help me save up money and transition into a different stage of my life. Cincinnati was only supposed to be temporary. At first I felt like maybe I failed at listening to God and I should have just stayed in Nashville. Kept on goin with my happy comfortable life. But if you understand God and his character... that is NEVER his plan.

Immediately called my parents and talked to my mom on the phone. Right when I got off the phone with her my good friend Adam called not even knowing of the news I just received. He couldn't have decided to start his road trip at any better time because Cincy was the first stop. I got off the phone and then talked to my friend Christine on the phone and we decided before Adam got into town we would take a walk and just talk about life and such.

Before all that I still had to work and hang out with the boys for a while. I was a bad nanny that day hah. Was not there mentally/emotionally at all. Then I got to talk to my dad on the phone and he is good at sorting thoughts out and thinking through the emotions. Said this is the perfect time for a long walk or drive just to talk with God. I decided to take a walk around French park and just sit and pray. I honestly didn't get any sort of answer through that or major feeling of peace but I knew God heard me and I knew He saw my desperation.

Christine called not too long after that and we went on an even longer walk around Eden park. Found this broken down bridge that must have been by a dam of some sort. This I feel like was God's way of reminding me of how small I really am. How much I need Him and once again... my plans are not my own. Looking over Cincinnati made me think about how huge God really is and how He is fully in control.

Later on Adam drove into town and we stayed up till 4am talking about life, God, and so much more. Next day was jammed packed with Cincinnati things hah! The Coffee Shop on Madison, Chipotle, a little bit of work, frisbee/football, Eden park, cartwheels, sitting and dwelling on God's glory, Taza, Christine/Catherine/Briana and Adam making so many people mad at Highlands and barely getting sleep. Just all that in one day was so good for me.

The next day was getting up SUPER late, washing clothes at my parents house, Chic-fil-a, Long long stories, a little bit of work, starbucks, Navigators, starbucks again haha, dollar burger night, girl and boy bonding, back out to mason to babysit lucy at my parents house and not going to sleep till 4:30am again.

Through all of this God has really been showing me the beauty of Cincinnati and how much my close friends here are very important in my life. I have been hearing in different places how your mission field is wherever you are and I understood that but always thought in the back of my head that I'll do that when I get back from wherever. During Navigators on Weds night I kept feeling like I needed to get Briana, Christine and Catherine all together and talk about what God potentially could be doing. Briana and I have had many conversations about how we feel like God is wanting to use us to start something or get something going but we didn't know what. And all of us girls really balance each other out and and we all have such unique characteristics... I don't think its just coincidence that we all became really close friends since I've been back.

So, if all this means I have to get a normal job and stay here in Cincinnati in order to let God do His thing... I'm gonna have to suck it up. I really didn't want to stay here and I really didn't want a normal average joe job. I thought that after YWAM I would be able to stay in that and get a job through that and live happily ever after. But uh, turns out that wasn't God's plan?

Honestly, when people would tell me to "just pray about it"... I never had a sense of peace. I would just be like, "eh ok... soo uh... here it is." And I would never really feel like God was sincerely listening. But today has been the first day in a while when I thought about praying with the girls about what He could possibly want to use us for, I got a mild sense of peace. It wasn't a major world shaking feeling... but it was just enough to encourage me and make me want to step it up and make it happen.

God is good. I think I'm learning to wholeheartedly understand that. God has shaken my idea of what my life should look like and now I can only stop, wait, and listen.

Hopes.

2009-04-29T12:33:00.002-05:00

It's been exactly one week since I shipped out my application to Australia.

I hate waiting.

My friend Adam said some very encouraging things yesterday on the phone. He reminded me that these are the passions that God has placed in my heart. So even if I try to push things back or manipulate the situation, these passions will always be there and I will eventually do it. It's just best to do it now when I have absolutely no ties in my life.

Funny how God is definitely keeping me free of that, even though I want to fight Him constantly.

I should be encouraged by this rough period. It should remind me that I'm doing the right thing and once again, I can't screw this up! God is breaking me (not by my will) from anything that could potentially be a distraction.

Blahhh I don't want to wait anymore to hear back from YWAM haha. I just want to know so I can continue to move forward. Start figuring what else I could do with my time. Oh man, do I LOVE being in control.

Stupid stupid stupid.

There's more...

2009-04-27T18:42:00.002-05:00

What happened to romance now a days? I mean really?! What happened to women being so level headed that the men HAD to fight for them. I feel like now a days men can so easily just find something easier. If one girl seems like she might be a little harder to capture I feel like men just give up so easily and try to find a different one that will be easy. What happened to being pursued and letting love make you do crazy things?

I'm don't want a man who isn't willing to wait or fight for me. What about the old fashion way? Men going off to war and women waiting for what must have felt like forever for their men. I mean, I don't know what all I'm doing but I know that if someone isn't willing to jump in with me... he just isn't worth it.

I hate being in my twenties sometimes. People are scared of taking chances and getting hurt. Whats the point of living then?! I'm sick of living on the safe side.

I guess I can't change people's minds though.
Only God knows what's best for me.

Obviously the things I want aren't haha.

Not a picture, finally.

2009-04-27T11:25:00.002-05:00

This weekend was ridiculous. I kind of needed it honestly, I've been needing to keep myself busy. Friday I actually went to bed at a decent hour but only because I knew Saturday was going to be a long day. First, I drove to my parents house to meet up with Rachel and the other bridesmaids. A limo picked us up fully loaded with champagne and a cute driver ;). We went to a cute little tea place and had tea and lots of sugary treats. I started to feel nauseous from all the sugar and champagne is not a good breakfast drink haha.

I realized how happy I am I'm not super wealthy because honestly, I can't handle it. I'm extremely clumsy and awkward when it comes to being around super nice things. The tea party was very "cute" but I would never want something like that for my showers. I even fell out of the limo...

After that we went to Dana's house in Indian Hill and she did such an amazing job decorating. She obviously is good with small details. We played a few lingerie party games and drank even more champagne. By the end of all that, I was exhausted. I can only handle being around a lot of people in a small space for so long. I love being around people, don't get me wrong. I just can't handle it when everyone is trying to be polite and proper. My face starts to hurt from smiling and I am definitely no good with small talk.

I was happy when the limo picked us up and took us back to my parents house. That was my chance to re-energize my social skills. We then took Rachel out to eat and then to mt. adams. That's where we finally had some real fun. I felt like I could relax for the first time haha. That went till really late and we finally drove back home. By the time we got home I felt like my eyes had shards of glass in them they itched so bad. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep there because my parents had all the windows open instead turning the air conditioning on. So I drove home.

Sunday was filled with church, Jen's bridal shower, and back home to say goodbye to Rachel and the other girls. I went home after all that for a minute then Briana had asked me to go to her small group, so I went to that and met some fun people. Finally went back home and relaxed.

It's been a really long weekend.

I don't know why I blogged about it. Just felt like it I guess.

I wonder if my application has reached Australia yet? Probably not. I realized that I MUST do this YWAM thing. I have zero things holding me back. Not that I was going to let anything hold me back... There were a few things I probably would have missed but now really the only things I will miss are my few amazing girl friends and my family. But those things will never change and will always be here for me whenever I get back.

Last night the Notebook was on tv. Bad idea. I watched it and cried my eyes out, just like everytime I watch it. At first I started thinking, ah man, I really want to find someone who I can love in that way and he will love me just the same back. But then I started praying and I realized I still don't understand that God loves me just like that. I act like the old lady who doesn't recognize the man she fell madly in love with. I don't recognize God's character and love for me. Then after He has read to me all day and is desperately pursueing my heart, for a moment it clicks and I see my love and my maker. Those are the moments I see for a minute then just as quickly I forget who He is. I want to fully know in my heart that kind of love He has for me. Because I honestly don't think after 21 years I get it.

I need to get out of Cincy again.

2009-04-25T19:10:00.001-05:00

Sisters :)

2009-04-25T12:38:00.001-05:00

We arent up to something...

2009-04-25T12:31:00.000-05:00

Second part!

2009-04-25T11:16:00.001-05:00

The begining to my saturday haha!

2009-04-22T13:24:00.000-05:00

Australian money is way prettier!

2009-04-22T13:22:00.002-05:00

FUN!!

2009-04-22T13:22:00.001-05:00

Boring...

Success!!

2009-04-20T22:49:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I finally finish the application!! I'm going to the doctor and that's the last sheet that needs to be filled out. The only things left to do is print out my answers to the questions and get picture copies of my passport. Lastly, find somewhere that will exchange my american dollar for the australian dollar :). Soooooo close!!

I can't believe I put it off for this long but at least it's getting done. I'm going to ship it off Weds and thats final. I finally realized that I shouldn't keep putting this off and doubt was taking over my emotions. So I'm pushing through all of that and turning this sucker in.

I had an amazing conversation with Christine tonight. It made me wonder if I'm being to "nice" when it comes to Christianity. I mean, Jesus was always pushing the limits and making people question why they think what they think. Am I not being loud enough? I hold back saying so many things because I'm afraid I don't want to offend someone. But really, what's so offensive about saying they have a purpose and there is a reason why they are alive? I don't speak up enough. Funny, cause I need to realize people will obviously think I'm crazy. That's unavoidable.

I know someone that is a mutual friend to a lot of people I know here in Cincinnati and a lot of them aren't christians. One guy just said the other night, "I bet he's gonna come back all crazy..." and I didn't say a word. Why couldn't I just have said, actually- he's gaining a purpose and his eyes are being opened to how much people need love. He is actually learning to love in an even deeper way! The way Jesus did... the way so many people don't know how to. BUT of course I said nothing besides in a small barely heard voice, "no, i don't think he'll be weird."

I'm a coward and I want to learn how to not be.

I know about a love that is so deep, so pure and right. I want to tell everyone that yeah, life is rough but I know about something that is solid and can make it all worth living. I may not have all the answers but I do know what can give me peace in every situation I am in. It's way more personal than just a religion, it's more than a way of living... It's so much bigger than me and to know that I am loved no matter how bad I screw it up... that's an incredible feeling. It makes every insecurity seem so minuscule. Even though people think they know whats best for them... it's only a portion of what God really wants to give. Our happiness isn't even half of the joy God wants to give us.

I've been so distant from God recently and I don't read my bible HALF as much as I should. But I know the truth and I know that Jesus is everything I could possibly need in my life right now. Everything else is just okay. Everything else is so fickle and I don't know if it will last. My job, my living situation, an "interest", money... the list goes on! Any of those could change in a matter of days but Jesus is always changing things on me only to show me His character more and make me understand how much I need Him.

I need to focus more on the only solid thing in my life, Jesus.
Everything else will fall into place.
Amen.

bleh

2009-04-18T01:09:00.002-05:00

Tonight I read though old posts and got teary eyed. I really miss Nashville. I mean I love what's going on in Cincy right now but things are just completely different. Different is good, but I miss having that small community.

A lot of really good things are happening right now and I should rejoice in that. At the same time I am receiving a lot of confusion. I'm started to doubt things and second guess decisions I made.

I really wish I could go sit on someone's porch and talk about it.

There are so many things I miss right now... just tryin to look forward. Looking forward is becoming harder and harder.

2009-04-17T22:03:00.000-05:00

I like the way eight o'clock looks now...

2009-04-08T13:54:00.000-05:00

This is the only place i can put my computer for consistent internet. Haha desperate much? Maybe.

Old lyrics.

2009-04-08T13:45:00.005-05:00

I was reading old lyrics of mine and I particularly liked this song:

you’re a mystery to me
always keep me in a dream
and you can watch me fall asleep
thinking of the sea

you seek in dark waters
with answers unknown
with stories told
be careful in this dark dark world
you’re made of sailor thread
woven to the core
turn your back to the shore
because you’re thirsty for more

break away from everything
I wish you would come back to me
but there’s something that’s exciting
when you’re thinking of the sea

you seek in dark waters
with answers unknown
with stories told
be careful in this dark dark world
you’re made of sailor thread
woven to the core
turn your back to the shore
because you’re thirsty for more

do you think of me when you’re gone
do you think of me at all
can going away bring you home

It's kind of a sad song. Too bad I can't play the guitar. I want to re-write this and make it sound way better than I did originally but I get stuck on the guitar. Someone teach me something cool so I can put that to this song.

It's been a while

2009-04-06T11:26:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I've actually written something. I started writing in my tangible journal lately because I've been wanting to be brutally honest. Sorry folks, just can't do that on here :). I've really been struggling with issues I knew Satan would attack me with. I even told people in Nashville I knew that these things would be brought up but it was so easy to say how the Lord will provide strength blah blah blah.

Satan knew how I hate being lonely and how I love being around people. At least in Nashville I had Fido if I didn't have anything to do. I always had somewhere to go if I wanted to. Looking back I realized I took complete advantage of those places. Cause now, I lack in places to go. My work is even at my house... I never leave "the house" you could say. I will drive to the furthest Starbucks just to waste time. I do ridiculous things when I get lonely.

In a way, this makes me pray more just so I can talk to someone. Because I live by myself, I can't rely on a roommate to talk to about my day. The past couple of days have been really weird for me in my heart because I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with just being by myself. I'm even trying to wake up early just so I wont be awake late at night. I'm sick of staying up really late and not being able to fall asleep. The nighttime and I are not friends... he always messes with my mind.

It's already april.
Crap.

I only need to get two more references for my YWAM application and then go get checked out by my doctor. Then I can send it in and get this party started. I am surprised at how much money I have saved up and haven't even asked for support yet. God has really blessed me with this job and being able to save up. Plus my tax return is gonna be awesome! That is all going to my little YWAM piggy bank :).

Adam gave me a great verse to help me out. Philippians 4:4-8. I really need to learn how to recieve these words and make it relevant and true in my heart. Cause I'm really good at just reading things and then letting them stay on the page.

I still really need good girl friends in my life here in Cincy. I love the girls I know here but its hard being the only single one. I feel like almost everyone I know here is in a relationship or is about to move. I moved back at a very strange time. I hope I figure out what God is really trying to teach me in all of this soon.

Hahaha right now I'm sitting in the family's house and the lady that comes to clean is vaccuming and Cocoa the dog is trying to chase the hose that she is trying to vaccum with. I'm sure that makes it difficult for her haha. Oh, that was cute.

Alright, i'm starting to ramble.

2009-04-04T13:21:00.001-05:00

Babysitting lucy for the weekend!

2009-04-02T13:14:00.000-05:00

My sweet new boots! Only 26 dollars!

2009-03-28T13:40:00.000-05:00

That. Is. Heaven.

2009-03-24T10:48:00.000-05:00

Totally in my high school right now haha! Weird!

2009-03-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

Pretty!

2009-03-20T18:00:00.000-05:00

Here i come Nashville!!