Christmas is finally over... phew. I feel like this week has been a whirlwind of business and family. I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy every second of it though. I love being around my family and we definitely know how to party.
There has been a lot going through my head recently... not necessarily about one thing. Mainly about life in general. It's been ridiculously easy to begin to start thinking that this whole life is about me. I mean, that's what we pretty much hear all day long from the media and our friends. But I think the biggest thing I have been really experiencing this holiday season is that... the more I try to think about others, the more love I receive back. And the more love I receive, the more I can give and that makes this whole season a LOT easier to live through.
I used to go through the seasons trying to find something that would fill my time. Whether that's a relationship or a job... nothing would satisfy me. It's embarrassing looking back and seeing how much damage I have caused on other people and on my own heart. I can honestly say that in these last 6 months God totally has reshaped my heart. I no longer want to live my life based on my emotions... because my emotions have lead me to nowhere good. I am having to do a lot of "cleaning up" in my life because of the way I acted. Right now it's hard because its the holidays and I would love to be all lovey dovey but when it really comes down to it... it's not about me. I have honestly had to tell myself to get over myself and enjoy the day. If only someone could be a fly on the wall hahaha, you would definitely get a kick out of my pep talks.
This last year is going to be nearly impossible to beat. But I don't doubt God anymore and His abilities to take me out of the most mundane life and give me the biggest adventure I could only dream of. I had written so many journal entries about how I was bored and needed something else in my life. I would complain to God all the time about my life and how I knew I needed to be doing something "bigger." So of course God heard me and totally took me out of my comfort zone, out of my "world" and put me on the other side of the world. Not even that, He went above and beyond and let me learn how to surf in the number one surfing spot in the world. He KNEW that I have always loved the surfing culture. So not only was I surfing for the first time in my life... I was being taught in the most desired place in the world. God is a good good God.
The fact that He sent part of his OWN self to live in a world that is in attack by Satan. To come in like a infant, completely naked and vulnerable. To live a life with the same temptation and darkness ONLY to die in the end.
Luckily, those who believe know that isn't the end. I believe that He is alive and because of that I can now live a life that is free of debt. The fact that Jesus loves us SO much He would die so we could live with grace... it's something that is so hard to get your head around. Thankfully by the grace of God I have room to make mistakes and learn how to walk with Him.
Christmas is all about remembering how Jesus came... and how loved we are because He came.
I don't have a degree to get a job that has benefits so I can live
I am absolutely terrified about this worship internship
I hope that God keeps me in this place of dependency
I hope I never begin to believe I can "handle" my life
I want to constantly put myself in places that push me
What I hope for is what I also resist constantly. The funny thing is... I feel like God is telling me to stay here in Cincinnati and for most people, staying somewhere is the easy part. The hardest thing for me to do is to be okay having plans to go nowhere. I need to learn how to be okay with where I am at. That's so hard to do though when where you are at seems so insignificant. I have to constantly remind myself that that isn't what life is about. It's not about me. I know, surprise surprise! I'm pretty terrible at letting go of my own wants and needs. This was all apparent to me while over seas but it's been hitting me in the face quite a few times since I've been back. I want to learn to serve people better and not have to think twice about it.
even this blog is so self consumed.
I hope that when people read this blog, they realize how much I do NOT have it all together. I'm pretty good at this point coming up with answers for questions that I get asked all the time. So since I've been back I've been really trying my hardest to answer the question in a way that I remember the trip on that particular day. That way the answer is never the same and each person gets a different learning experience and its genuine because that is the wisdom I am most likely trying to apply at the time.
Sometimes I over think when I talk to people which then makes the conversation awkward because I am so consumed with trying to think of what to say rather than just listening. I really do have good intentions though... I want people to know that I really am interested in them.
One thing was made extremely clear (once again) to me about Nashville.
It is not my home.
It's a great city for sure with lots of cool places and fun people. But this past weekend made it completely clear that Cincinnati is where my heart truly is at. The friends I have showed me what genuine love and friendship looks like. I'm also learning that there are some people that I will never really keep in touch with ever again. Most of those people live in Nashville and that's ok! There is nothing wrong with finally accepting that I will never call this or that person ever again. But there are a few people that have really put effort into staying in touch even when I was on the other side of the world. Those are quality people that I hold close to my heart and will forever be in my life.
I quickly remembered why I stayed in Nashville for so long. It's really easy to get stuck there... People like to stay young, that's what America is all about right? Well, Nashville is a town full of young and rising talents who are eager to work their way to the top. I feel like sometimes people forget though that there is life outside of that town and their circles. I almost want to just kidnap some of the people and put them on a plane to some third world country and tell them to not come back till the understand that life isn't about them.
I'm slightly ranting...
I know people are doing cool things all around that town. Lisa proves that to me over and over again and that's why it's great to have a friend like her :).
Plus, can I just throw this out there... You don't have to be homeless to help the homeless. Ok, I'm done.
I do love Nashville and will always be close to my heart. I don't know the next time I will see it because it's time to REALLY make Cincinnati my home. No more picking up and leaving for me. That's almost scarier that traveling across the entire world...